OPINION: Okay, it was kind of fun to giggle knowingly with a bunch of unknown women in a cinema when the first film came out.
And that flash of that giddy girl-gang feeling was enough to get me to read the books. But I didn't find them sexy. I found them terrifying.
Many people have since tried to convince me how sexy the franchise is.
When I've asked what's so good about it, I always get told the same thing: It's just hot to have a guy who is that into you.
A man that into you that he turns up wherever you are, has a go at you for being irresponsible and then tries to attack any man within a 40-metre radius whom he considers a threat. Including your Dad. Reowr.
Before we go on, I want to make it clear that the behaviour I criticise in this article is Christian's normal, everyday behaviour. Not the sex.
I'm talking about behaviour like turning up at Anastasia's workplace, buying her expensive things, and expecting to supervise her birth control.
It’s not an attack on BDSM; if you want to be whipped, get into it.
So back to 50 Shades' appeal. I kind of get it. If someone buys you a car, or gets jealous when you talk to man-friends, or tells you that it's his body too… there's something excessive about this behaviour, and you can read that as excessive passion.
Often because they often say that it is: "It's because I love you so much, babe."
And if we can inspire that kind of passion in a man… it must make us goddesses. We can do that to someone! Us! With our yoga pants and unbrushed teeth…
Yep. It can make you feel powerful. And sexy.
But the problem is that you can only fantasise about this if it hasn't happened to you.
In real life, your man getting jealous of your guy friends means a three-hour argument that ends with, "you don't understand how men think!"
Belittling your relationship with a guy mate, insulting your ability to understand your own friends, having a go at you in general for being naive… how sexy!
In real life, guys getting overly protective of the way men look at you on the street means he will start telling you what you can and can't wear. Cue another three-hour argument. And in real life, a man buying you a car is not sexy. It's downright weird.
But if we've never had those experiences in real life, we have no idea how terrifying, exhausting and painful they are. So we're able to relax into the fantasy that excessive 'passion' is a huge turn on.
If you have had that, you can't read 50 Shades without thinking: "Gees, he's exactly like my ex". No amount of sexual activity can make you forget that.
What makes me so angry about 50 Shades is that it doesn't acknowledge that in real life, Christian would have a restraining order.
Can you imagine trying to break up with him? He'd just come over to your house and refuse to leave until you slept with him.
And the books and film can get away with it because it bills itself as a fantasy. It doesn't have to be a responsible guide to real life because it's not real.
Well, that would work if it was full of dragons and invisible hermaphrodite pigs. But it's full of older men who have a little bit of money and a lot of unresolved childhood issues. That is not fantasy. That's any third man in a bar.
It is not designed as a fantasy, it's designed to be something that could happen to you. That's why Anastasia is so blank as a character. You can write yourself onto her. You can be her.
So what happens? You start thinking this would be nice in real life. And no one is going to tell you that it's actually terrifying.
Newshub.
