Yeah bois, it's the episode we've all been waiting for.
On Monday our couples - or singles, as the case may be - gathered in a very brightly lit Auckland bar to debrief on their happy, happy times as husband and wife. Or bitch about how much they hate each other. No names.
We got to see a snapshot into where each of our couples were at; whether they were sipping lattes, buying inappropriately coloured hair ties or, you know, refusing to be in the same room as each other. It's a steeply sliding scale.
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The alone time for Hadyn was a great opportunity for him give his account of how things ended, including many high-pitched offensive imitations of his wife.
Ah, see the scorned ex in his natural habitat. Watch as he makes the girl seem crazy. It's a talent.
"Things were going really well to the point where she said one morning she was falling in love with me, and I said, 'Oh that's cool. That's great.'"
Maybe that response is where things went pear-shaped, Haydn. IDK. I'm no expert.
But that's not to say all the couples that were still together were happy. Vicky and Andrew, although both dressed like J-Lo back-up dancers from 2005 (an observation from one of our sport reporters, who is more invested in this than the rest of the newsroom put together), had different opinions on basically everything else.
Andrew speaks like he's being Tasered while he's interviewed, while Vicky, well, doesn't really speak at all. But she was super excited to get to the cocktail party, so she could talk to someone apart from her husband. Promising!
In the biggest surprise of the episode, Ben and Aaron were getting along pretty well on their return from glamping, chatting away and choosing their smart-casual gears in their hotel.
Don't get me wrong, Ben still doesn't find Aaron attractive at all. Like physically. I don't know if you know, but he's not into his looks. At all. But you know, he briefly cracked a laugh at something Aaron said. So that's progress.
The cocktail party arrived, with Pani and Tony set up like security guards to take in the action.
Things kicked off with a pretty promising start. Apart from the distress I felt at Brett drinking a beer out of a wine glass, everything else seemed great. Claire, Dom, Brett and Angel were getting along like a bloody house on fire, comparing their cute relationships and talking about not fighting and s**t.
It was pretty much the worst possible situation for Lacey to have to walk into by herself, but she did so, looking hot as hell and with her head held high. Get it girl. And luckily, her solo status was compensated for by Dom hugging her so hard he cut off the circulation in her tiny body. If her failed marriage wasn't bad enough, now she has permanent vein damage. Great.
It was all a bit much for her, leading to an emotional gal's gathering in the bathroom - our natural habitat. Add in two bottles of pinot gris and tears over some girl in line giving her side eye, and you've got any millennial gal's typical Saturday night (or Tuesday night for some people!).
The tension that rose as Luke came in the room, greeted by uncomfortable smiles, was enough to put me off the Mexicali Fresh taco bowl I was eating for dinner. The onion was undercooked, but otherwise it was pretty good.
I think there was a hope in the depth of everyone's souls that maybe, just maybe, the time apart from each other would draw Luke and Lacey closer together. I don't really know if that's a thing, but my colleague, who is currently in a long-distance relationship, tells me it is. (Trigger warning for grossness.)
But there was no "explosion of love" for these two. Was that handshake in sepia-toned slow motion, or is that just how it felt to the soul?
Luckily we had Ben on hand to debrief us on the "411" happening with the rest of the party. He, Vicky, Lacey and Bel all gathered on the couch to have a giggle about how they didn't want to touch their husbands. So it was probably a real treat for everyone to watch back together. What a healthy way to deal with problems!
The tension increased as the alcohol flowed, leading to a showdown of epic proportions between Luke and Lacey. Even the image of Luke drinking a fruity cocktail couldn't break the tension. Lacey stormed out, Luke was left sitting alone, and I had a stomach ache.
But among all the darkness on the show, we had Brett and Angel who spent the whole night looking at each other like this.
But being single really is awesome, because sometimes you can eat in the car in the dark and not have to share, so who's winning?
Married At First Sight airs Sundays and Mondays at 7:30pm on Three. Watch the full episode again on ThreeNow.
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