While it may feel like we're only just descending from the romantic highs of The Bachelor earlier this year, it's already time for the debut of Three's newest search for eternal happiness, Married At First Sight.
If you're a MAFS virgin and you're still reeling over what this show is about, let a conversation from tonight's episode between husband-to-be Luke and his brother Matt fill you in.
L: "I get married to someone I've never met before."
M: "What like married, married?"
L: "Yeah married, married."
M: "Oh. What?"
Cool! Now we've got that sorted, let's get onto the episode.
While the clear standout from tonight's episode were the shots of Auckland's skyline at dusk, there were some other bits and bobs that really held their own as well. Like psychologist Tony sporting a fun orange FitBit. And the homemade sourdough with olive oil on one of the wedding menus. And the part where strangers got married.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The guys and gals gathered at respective venues for the quietest hen's and stag nights we've ever seen, to discuss their reasons for getting married to a complete stranger on national television.
For most, like Vicky and Angel, it was the result of seeing everyone around them settle down and find "their Prince" (way to push gender normative roles), while they were still single and looking. For 51-year-old Claire, it's because she wanted to get laid.
For others, like 'party boy' Andrew, it was because "there's no point in getting into a relationship that won't transpire into something else".
"There's no future, you end up getting hurt and everyone comes out worse," he said.
"Hey cool, cheers Andrew," thought every guy forced to watch this with their girlfriend, while she sits tensely beside them on the couch.
But this episode was about four people in particular: Luke, Lacey, Dominic and Claire.
And boy, did their families provide some quality watching.
Luke and Lacey
At her family's idyllic Tauranga home, as they all laughed at their food like a Getty stock photo, Lacey stood to break the news that she was entering a TV show to marry a stranger. The news caused just about the reaction you would expect.
Lacey's sister Skye was all of us hearing about another stupid decision our friends have made, as she chugged from her glass.
However she was less like all of us as she... kind of threw her sister under the bus.
"This kind of thing is expected from Lacey, she does random things," she says with more than a touch of aggression.
"I'm not sure she understands the full ramifications that come with making this decision."
Well now you've achieved peak condescension Skye, I'm sure she's just getting the message.
Luke meanwhile, was just worried that the future Mrs Luke was going to reject him and "be like nah... you look ugly".
WHO SAID THAT TO YOU LUKE? GIVE ME THEIR NAMES. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
But the day came round regardless, and on what constitutes a 'good day' in Auckland (cloudy, dull, no rain for five minutes), the music-less ceremony went forth with no hitches other than Skye sporting a smoky eye which would have put the fear into Ke$ha circa 2007.
Dominic and Claire
From the start, 51-year-old Claire was definition of goals. A lover of pole-dancing and not afraid to sport a fun off-the-shoulder top, she wanted "someone who gets me, who doesn't try to put me in a corner".
CLAIRE COME BE MY LIFE COACH.
As Claire told her friends about her decision, daughter Rebecca said, "I'm happy for you. It's going to be good," in a voice even more insincere than mine when I told my boss I wouldn't drink when I went to one of the weddings.
Throughout the episode she maintained her concerns about her mother's upcoming nuptials were based around the future groom not being exactly what her mother wanted.
Rebecca then charmingly threw a tantrum at the bridal table, because nobody asked her if she was okay. Including her mother. The bride. On her wedding day.
"I'm over it, I'm over it, I'm over it," she whisper-yelled to herself (everyone around her) as she stormed to the bathroom.
Places where this behaviour is acceptable: your third form disco, and maybe Ponsonby Burger Fuel at 3am on a Saturday.
Places where this behaviour is not acceptable: just about anywhere else ESPECIALLY your mother's wedding.
However both receptions ended with smiles and happiness all round, and we got to the part we've all been tuned in for: the new couples heading off to their Rydges hotel rooms.
There really must be nothing like heading into a hotel with a stranger, with a camera crew waiting for you inside. It's an experience unique only to porn actors and Married At First Sight stars. This kiss between Claire and Dom really felt like we were gonna see some shiiiiiiiit.
But alas, or thank God, depending on how pervy you are, the cameras stopped rolling and we were left in the dark.
Nah I mean we can guess. They totally boned.
Married At First Sight airs Sundays and Mondays at 7:30pm on Three. Watch the full episode again on ThreeNow.
Newshub.
