Blake Shelton has been named People's Sexiest Man Alive in 2017 because, I guess, every other man in Hollywood is dead.
Sorry, that comes off as blunt. Let me explain.
The country singer and host of The Voice apparently couldn't believe it himself when he heard the honour was being bestowed upon him.
"Y'all must be running out of people," he reportedly told People in the magazine.
"Like, wow, we're down to somebody who is somewhat symmetrical."
No offence to Mr Shelton, genuinely none at all, but I really have to agree with him. There is an absolute plethora of stunning men in Hollywood, some of which haven't even been outed as sexual harassment-committing trash yet, who in my humble opinion should have taken the role.
Now I know that Blake Shelton is not going to give a f**k what I have to say about this. He's not going to go home to his girlfriend, ageless Gwen Stefani who signed a deal of eternal life with the devil, and say 'honey, look at what this reporter from New Zealand who winter has not been kind to thinks about me'.
But come on. There are some much worthier contenders for the title from across the board this year, and here's my top five.
Idris Elba
The star of The Mountain Between Us and - more importantly - UK crime drama Luther is one of the most beautiful men in the world. That voice needs to be bottled. Sure, The Dark Tower was terrible, but who cares; he is just incredible. The 45-year old-actor has been blowing up screens with his performance as Asgardian gatekeeper Heimdall in the past Thor films, including Taika Waititi's Thor: Ragnarok. Human rights activist Qasim Rashid shared on Twitter a that his eight-year-old son thought Elba was Jesus.
"No, the black guy who protected everyone from the bad guys. I think that's what Jesus would do. Yes, the Jesus guy," Rashid's son said on his way out of the theatre.
Amen.
Ryan Reynolds
I know he took it out in 2010, but I really think that was premature. 2010 Ryan Reynolds was a baby compared to 2017 Ryan Reynolds. He was still in Green Lantern mode, married to Scarlett Johansson... yuck! (Sorry). Now 2017 Ryan Reynolds is the star of Deadpool, married to Blake Lively - arguably one of the world's hottest women - with whom he's had two adorable children. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He tweets funny things. He's at least 456 percent sexier than he was in 2010. And you can win it twice! Look at Johnny Depp! (Still so many questions about that one).
Dev Patel
This British actor was a large part of my sexual awakening at age 14 when he starred as Anwar in Skins. It was a controversial choice; everyone else was obsessed with Tony. But I held a special place in my heart for Dev that only grew stronger when he appeared all sweaty and grimy and spontaneously rich in Slumdog Millionare. Now he's only gone and grown a bloody beard, which is unfair and makes me revert to obsessed 14-year-old me, only with larger glasses and less clips in my hair.
Chris Pratt
He's newly single, which is actually pretty devastating, but Chris Pratt has been absolutely on fire of late. The Guardians of the Galaxy actor used to rock dad bod, but hit the gym hard and shedded like 15kgs for Jurassic World, and got really ripped. Despite this, he is very, very atrtractive. I don't know him in person, surprisingly, but I really think we'd be good friends. He's adorable, fun, and knows what's really important in life - taking cute pictures of his son and posting them on Instagram, for example.
Jeff Goldblum
This one really needs no explanation. If you don't think Jeff Goldblum is sexy AF, you have no place here. Stop reading now (no qualms because it's the end, shame Goldblum h8rs).
...
People, do the right thing and pull the title out of Blake Shelton's hands. He'll understand. He's a country singer; sadness and heartbreak is his bread and butter.
Newshub.
