Before we get into this recap of Married At First Sight NZ, let me ask, how's everyone going?
I, for one, am deeply attached to the journey of our newlyweds; my contractual obligations notwithstanding.
- MAFS episode 9 recap: Home is where the heartbreak is
- MAFS episode 8 recap: It's all gone to the dogs
I'll be honest; it's not going down that well with my nearest and dearest.
I've caught myself telling my partner our latest tiff is just part of our "storming period" and decoding my friend's "love language".
I've starting asking myself things like "What Would Wayne Do?" when dealing with difficult customer service representatives.
But hey, enough about me, we've got a pack of newlyweds to check in on, and a fun not-at-all-uncomfortable dinner party to attend.
Tayler and Sam
Fashion influencer Samuel Levi is pissed off, just for a change. This time, it's about the sorry state of his hungover hubby.
Tayler is not wearing last night's clothes, covered in mystery bruises and surrounded by empty McDonald's wrappers - so from where I'm sitting, he's doing great.
"Go to the gym, it will make you feel so much better," says Sam.
"Don't be ridiculous, Sam," Tayler and I both reply at the exact same time.
Dusty old Tayler, with his newfound sass, asserts, "I'm pretty cute when I'm drunk!" - a line that then hangs in the air in the same way it might with a nightclub bouncer who's sick of your shit.
Monique and Fraser
Determined to ramp things up in the intimacy department, Fraser takes Monique to Cakes and Ladders, a board game café which sounds hot as hell.
A round of Don't Break The Ice fails to break the tension, so the couple move on to a game of Mancala, which everyone knows is the least sexy board game - the sexiest being Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Things do get pretty racy when Fraser admits, yes, he has stolen money as the Monopoly banker - but I don't think his new image as the Bad Boy of Board Games is enough to get Monique's pulse racing.
Julia and David
With a duffle bag full of cold brew espresso martinis and skincare; David checks into Julia's house/Airbnb in Christchurch.
Not only is Dave banished to the spare room, he gets the authentic experience of being treated like an actual stranger in her home.
"If you need the WiFi, the details are on the wee sign," Julia says lovingly, before leaving her husband to rifle through a basket of maps and activity pamphlets on the area.
And while there is a complimentary cat that eats with its paws, the whole 'not consummating the marriage' thing might knock a few stars off David's review of his stay.
David tells us we should be prepared to see "a last push" from him in his quest to escape the friend-zone.
What we weren't prepared for was for Dave to take this quite so literally, holding his wife up by the butt cheeks when she asks for a hand with her DIY project.
Thankfully, Julia's mates show up just in time to give some much needed perspective.
"What the f**k is going on?" one asks, grasping a bottle of wine to drink through the awkwardness that is Jules and Dave's kitchen banter.
"I think he's manly and nice. I don't see metrosexual," adds another, finally.
They all agree Julia is far too fixated on Dave's grooming techniques and basically, she should get the hell over it, lest she spend the rest of her life alone with only a cat that eats with its paws for company (heavily paraphrased).
The Dinner Party
The newlyweds file in to the restaurant in pairs, all with their own interpretation of the evening's smart causal dress code.
"You're matching, you sick f**ks!" Ottie greets Yuki and Dan in their adorable red outfits. Meanwhile, Fraser's snazzy waistcoat gets far less attention than it should.
After some light bullying of David's appearance, expert Tony appears with a fistful of personal questions for everyone - a move which I'm sure is a hit at Christmas lunch.
After her earlier touching declaration to Wayne - "I do not dislike you at all and I enjoy your company" - Ksenia's back to her old ways of giving zero effs. Some evidence that she isn't actually an advanced piece of artificial intelligence comes when she opens up about her childhood, but it's fleeting.
Sam jumps at the opportunity to toy with Tayler's emotions and Dan and Yuki's love runs as pure as a mountain stream - it's all nothing new, really.
Thankfully, the rebellious teens of the MAFS family - Gareth and Ottie - bring some much-needed drama to the proceedings.
"She's a little bit more jaded tonight, she's losing patience," the experts observe of Ottie, also accurately describing me writing my 10th recap of this show.
"She's definitely shut down."
As if on cue, Ottie refuses to ask the final question on the card, which apparently is something to do with Gareth's sordid past.
"She didn't ask me out of respect," Gareth explains.
"He's not the nice boy he makes out to be," Ottie says ominously.
Alright, producers, you got me.
It's not quite Vicky-and-Ben-from-season-one-Mean-Girls-in-the-bathroom level drama, but I want to know what's on the card. A lot.
WHAT'S ON THE CARD, GARETH?
It's cool, though; I can wait till tomorrow.
I'll just be here, biding my time, not obsessing about anything at all and living my life like the level-headed, well-adjusted person I am.
Married At First Sight NZ airs on Sundays at 7pm, and Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
Newshub.
