As the latest episode of Married At First Sight NZ starts, we check in again with our three experts in their fave hangout spot - a secret, sparsely decorated warehouse where surely by now, food rations must be running low.
- Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 1 recap: Like sheep to the altar
- Married At First Sight NZ 2018 episode 2 recap: Tat-too much too soon?
As well as throwing about phrases like "generic value statements" and "primary family of origin", they're hard at work matching up two new couples to tie the knot: Yuki and Dan, along with Samuel and Tayler.
From the opening moments, it looks like there'll be enough tears to fill water feature at a West Auckland wedding venue.
Yuki and Dan
I want to hear all about Japanese-Kiwi hairdresser Yuki's ideal man, but I've found myself so entranced by the cascading waterfall of gloriousness that is her hair, I can't concentrate.
Once I've regained my composure, it's obvious that Yuki is the actual personification of a kitten riding a tiny pony into the sunset, AKA the cutest God damn thing on earth.
Despite her demeanor of sweetness and light, Yuki maintains she always ends up going for the "clean cut douche".
For some, this could be a confusing description, but I once nicknamed a friend's boyfriend 'Douche Quiff' (DQ for short) on account of his try-hard hairstyle and wanky persona, so I totally get it.
Yuki says she wants a hubby she can iron shirts for and build a future together, and as her wee voice starts to wobble with emotion, I can tell I'm going to be a mascara-stained hot mess by the end of this.
Yuki's ironing dreams will have to wait though, because soon-to-be-husband Dan definitely doesn't wear a button-down to his job as an electrician.
He's neither a "clean cut douche" nor a "sheep farmer" (as one of Yuki's bridesmaids suggested), so I feel like that's a real positive at this stage.
The other thing about Dan is that he's got a secret weapon – he's mates with season one's Brett and Angel, who continue to be super loved-up and almost sickeningly cute to this day.
In fact, he was at their wedding during season one, where he probably got the bright idea to get involved in this whole palaver.
Now, they will be watching on, likely smiling with their trademark wide-eyed intensity at his big day. Talk about full circle.
Now I don't know about you guys, but whenever I want to contemplate a big life decision, I like to take a brisk, wet beach walk in a storm, which is exactly what Dan does.
With that all sorted, it's time to get ready.
I'm not totally sure where his political loyalties lie, but I can safely say Dan is a massive fan of Jacinda Ardern's famous campaign catchphrase.
"Let's do this!" as Dan demonstrates, are words for life's special moments: from forgetting your belt, to spilling beer on your tie, to making unscheduled pee breaks in a public toilet.
Meanwhile, the make-up girls giggle as they shun Yuki to the hotel balcony, resigned to smoking a ciggie with a pair of tweezers in a cloud of social shame.
A card from Dan prompts a few more drops in the giant bucket 'o' tears that has been Yuki's MAFS journey so far; but finally, we make it to the ceremony.
In a venue kitted out with enough cherry blossoms to put a Kardashian baby shower to shame, Yuki and Dan meet for the first time.
Best Man Andrew says the two "immediately self-consoled each other".
I don't know what that means, Andrew, but you're very sweet, and so are Dan and Yuki, as they're announced as husband and wife.
After the fact, Dan says he can't remember Yuki's vows because he was too nervous.
That's a shame, bud, because you totally missed your new wife telling you she would "fill you with all the Asian goodness".
Not to be outdone, Yuki can't actually remember Dan's name.
Someone yells out "you're killing it!" as the pair take to the dance floor. My money's on Angel, who's so freaking positive she would cheer for an ant if it was stealing her sandwich.
And while sparks fly, the couple engages in the show's only kiss so far that hasn't been prompted by a circle of chanting people, a marriage celebrant or a wedding photographer.
Aww!
Samuel and Tayler
"Tayler is an incredibly attractive man!" expert Tony exclaims back in the confines of the warehouse.
For a moment, I fear Tony is suffering from some kind of Stockholm syndrome after weeks exposed to the slowly-dropping oxygen levels at expert HQ, but it turns out he's talking about the latest groom to take the plunge.
Tayler is indeed very handsome, and is giving me strong 'salt of the earth' vibes.
He says his ideal man would look something like Chris Pratt, so basically, he's relatable as hell. Whether or not he's referring to Parks and Rec Chris Pratt or Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt remains to be seen.
"If I get to that altar and he's exactly what I'm looking for, I'm pretty keen to stick with him for the rest of my life," Tayler says.
No pressure.
Not bearing much resemblance to Chris Pratt, but strutting down the streets of Auckland as if Tyra Banks' life depended on it, is Samuel Levi.
This man is - among other job titles I don't fully understand - a fashion content producer with a "reasonably large online social media following". That means about 40,000 Instagram followers.
"Some people might use the word 'influencer'," Samuel adds, cleverly using and not using the word himself.
Oh and look, here's Ben Blackwell from season one! Would you LOOK AT THAT?! I know New Zealand's meant to have six degrees of separation and all, but this is insane.
"I fully respect how that is going to look, me knowing Ben, but I'm in this for the right reason, to find love," Samuel adds, throwing SO MUCH LOW-KEY SHADE at his mate Ben that I can't even process it.
There's yet more shade from Samuel's grandmother, who deals a sick Nana-burn when she comments that it's odd to get a visit from her grandson so early on a Sunday.
There's yet more tears, too, as Nana gets a bit weepy while processing Samuel's upcoming nuptials. At this point, on my 17th ball of scrunched up tissue, I'm not sure how much more my fragile heart can take.
"Let's just hope he's hot!" Samuel announces, while shakily sipping on a glass of bubbles before his wedding.
I'll have you know, Samuel, that Tayler is an EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE MAN – just ask expert Tony.
Having dried my eyes and pulled myself together for what my boyfriend really hopes is the final time tonight, it's now Samuel's turn to have a cry, having surrendered to the gravity of the situation.
Conveniently, the scene fades to grey and the first week of Married At First Sight draws to a close. For now, I think it's best for us to all apply a cooling eye mask and call it a night.
Married At First Sight NZ airs on Sundays at 7pm, and Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
Newshub.
