Time to check in again with the Married At First Sight NZ couples, who are now either happily or very awkwardly ensconced in their luxury apartments together.
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Unfortunately for some of the newlyweds, all of the complimentary tea, coffee and Soda Stream machines in the world can’t detract from the impending sense of doom.
As expert Tony continues to emphasise heavily, the romantic phase is over.
Like, yes, Tony, we heard you the first time. We’ve burned all our sexy lingerie and chucked out the scented candles - WE GET IT, IT’S OVER.
And on that amourous note, let’s see how everyone’s getting on ahead of the first commitment ceremony, where the couples must choose to stay or leave.
Wayne and Ksenia
When we catch up with Wayne-o, he’s valiantly presenting Ksenia with a burnt croissant, which appears to be a metaphor for their relationship thus far: dark, bitter and a bit hard to swallow.
Regardless, Ksenia appears to be in a good mood, giggling away while she and Wayne stroll in the park. This could be a promising sign, but I reckon Ksenia would chuckle through Mufasa’s death scene in The Lion King, so I remain unconvinced.
“That’s you!” she cackles to Wayne as she points out a large statue of a toad. I’m unsure if Wayne feels this is an improvement on being called a barracudda, but he takes it in stride.
A jaunt in a children’s playground shows Wayne a softer side to his new bride, although it’s impossible to miss the intense satisfaction he derives from watching her fall off the slide.
Fraser and Monique
Fraser tells Monique to use a saucer with her tea, lest she stain the dining table in their temporary apartment.
This confirms my suspicions that Fraser’s the sort of flat mate that leaves post-it notes on the sink saying: "Do your dishes! The Kitchen Fairy is on vacation!"
While her hubby takes to a pot of mushrooms with a flourish that would put Salt Bae to shame, Monique laments his sense of humor, underwhelmed by classic gags about putting chocolate milk in the mashed potatoes.
Monique’s mum, however, is a Fraser fan. She happily notes that he’s an improvement on her daughter’s previous "male counterparts". Meanwhile, I’m pleased to announce “male counterpart” will be the singular way in which I refer to my boyfriend from now on.
Sam and Tayler
Despite how sweet they look in their matching hoodies, there’s serious trouble in inner-city paradise for these two.
This episode of 'What Really Grinds My Gears hosted by fashion influencer Samuel Levi' features the following atrocities:
- Tayler not knowing what he likes for dinner
- Tayler going to the gym with him
- Tayler not going to the gym with him
- Tayler not opening up
- Tayler opening up, but about the wrong thing
Poor Tay perpetually looks like a child who’s forgotten his cue cards at the school speech finals, and Sam follows suit by talking to him like a exasperated primary school teacher.
“Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen again,” he warns. “Your room’s a mess” he scolds.
But hey, at least Sam’s working on his own flaws, too, right?
“My biggest problem is me being so independent.”
Oh. Never mind.
The rest of ‘em
David and Julia had their first argument, and Julia achieved her goal of sleeping in separate beds. Ignoring the sexually frustrated elephant in the room, Julia throws herself into her new role as Tayler and Sam’s life coach, leaving her husband rather dejected.
The whole thing is as hot and cold as David standing on the deck wearing a puffer vest over a tee shirt.
Gareth and Ottie, the rock’n’roll rebels that they are, consider using bowls for their coffee because they can’t be STUFFED washing some mugs. To be honest, apart from Ottie’s spectacular ability to rock a nude bodycon dress - a feat which I believed impossible for mere mortals - it’s all a bit ‘blah’.
Dan and Yuki are cute as hell, as usual. Dan, as it turns out, is a domestic god, planning dinner while doing the dishes. This leaves Yuki with nothing to do except sit back and worry it’s all too good to be true - which she does, a lot.
The commitment ceremony
The time has come, and the experts are stoked. Just when they were scratching another tally mark into the wall of their barren warehouse, they were given a new rug, couches, and even human contact from the outside world!
The joy was short-lived, however, as Gareth and Ottie’s defensiveness had expert Trisha squirming in her leather pants.
The pair go to great lengths to dodge Trish’s question of whether or not their relationship is growing; including pretending to not know what the word relationship means, and suggesting they’ll die before the weeks out.
“I think you’ve created a monster,” Gareth explains, as the editors exhaust their collection of dramatic violin music to highlight the tension between Ottie and Trish.
Whether or not they’ll make it out alive, MAFS' very own Bonnie and Clyde will live to fight another day, as they both choose to stay in the experiment.
Wayne and Ksenia step up to the plate next, but the question of whether or not Wayne’s keen for another week of being compared to a variety of fish and reptiles will have to wait until tomorrow’s epsiode.
Married At First Sight NZ airs on Sundays at 7pm, and Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
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