Tonight on Married At First Sight NZ, we've got ourselves a packed schedule.
- MAFS episode 7 recap: Burnt croissants and burning questions
- MAFS episode 6 recap: An ocean pash and a lover's clash
Not only will the remaining couples front up to the commitment ceremony, we're also visiting home towns and participating in something called 'surrender dates' which makes me feel mildly alarmed.
With so much to get through, we best get right into it.
Wayne and Ksenia
Wayne just Beyoncé'd all of us, deciding to stay in the experiment with Ksenia despite the flurry of casual death threats, because he is a "survivor" - which is frankly inspiring.
Personally, I would have gone for a more "everything you own in a box to the left" approach, but that's your prerogative, Wayne-o.
On a positive note, he's managed to crack Ksenia's cooked sense of humor, and almost seems to be wooing her with his gags about electrocuting her and poisoning her tea.
Wayne's surrender date/driving lesson/death wish actually works out pretty well, providing a fun outlet for his wife's rage black-outs in the form of the drivers of the greater Auckland area.
The home visit, however, is marred by a misunderstanding in which Ksenia thinks "impressing Wayne's friends" means putting on a short Cirque du Soleil performance rather than just being a decent person.
Other lowlights include Wayne having the audacity to own a fake plant and his mate asking Ksenia "how big is it?" during their first meeting.
I feel like she wasn't talking about the wedding ring.
Julia and David
"I'm not sure about the physical attraction at this stage, because of his metrosexual side," Julia says of hubby David during the commitment ceremony.
"He has more skincare than I do shoes."
Alright Julia, I've been very patient about this, but I've had just about enough.
What on Earth is so wrong with a man who has tight pores, perfectly smooth skin and a dewy complexion?!
WHY MUST YOU FIXATE ON DAVID'S MAGNIFICENTLY MAINTAINED VISAGE WITH SUCH INTENSE NEGATIVITY, JULIA?
Also: no one has used the term 'metrosexual' since the first season of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy in the late 2000s - it's called 'self-care' now, and everyone does it.
Look it up.
David, the radiant angel among men that he is, takes Julia's critiques squarely on his exfoliated chin, and they both choose to stay in the experiment.
Not done being sweet and understanding, he then organises a lovely 'surrender date' that includes jumping off the Sky Tower, a gourmet meal, and thankfully, no Sam or Tayler in sight.
Monique and Fraser
After the Sass-Fest 2018 that was Ottie and Gareth's appearance, expert Trish has got absolutely zero time for Fraser's dad jokes, which is fair.
"Where are you at right now?" she asks.
"In Auckland!" Fraser replies proudly, before being pierced by the thousands of tiny daggers flying from Trish's eyes.
All laughs aside, Monique says she "doesn't have any big sparks or anything like that", which leaves Frase The Fist Pump King looking gutted - lest we forget, he had to refrain from dropping the 'L' bomb at just three days in.
Still, they both choose to 'stay', leaving time for many more weak cups of tea and chats about the merits of the humble bum bag as a practical fashion accessory.
Gareth and Ottie
"No one can f**k with us!" cry the naughty kids after their scrap with expert Trish, before presumably heading off to graffiti on a public bathroom wall or kick over a road cone or something.
They're off to Cromwell next week, where they plan to partake in an awkward conversation on the topic of having kids with Gareth's parents and also visit a Mexican restaurant!
Fun!
Sam and Tayler
I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted by the rollercoaster that is Sam and Tayler at this point.
After spending most of his time being the physical embodiment of a root canal to Tayler, Sam suddenly produces some emotion and gratitude for his partner, and they both choose to stay in the experiment.
Tayler then takes Sam to Waiheke's Cable Bay for their surrender date, which far from being out of Sam's comfort zone, is probably his spiritual home as a social media influencer.
It's an Instagrammer's paradise, as I well know from my failed attempts to get a candid photo of myself drinking rosé in a floppy hat that I can't pull off.
I digress - I told you, I'm exhausted.
Every time the newlyweds share a kiss, Sam ruins it by telling Tayler how lucky he is.
Sam finally says he's attracted to Tayler, but then tells him not to take him to the botanical gardens because it will "f**king annoy him."
I need a lie down.
Dan and Yuki
Season two's golden couple rode into the commitment ceremony on a rainbow, wrote 'stay' with ink made from unicorn tears, and were presumably swept out on cloud of stardust.
Thank the reality TV gods then, that they've finally thrown us a frickin' bone in the form of a tiny bit of jeopardy: will Yuki's dog like Dan?
Yuki says it would be "a little bit of a problem" if the two don't get along, but also goes on to admit she would choose her doggo over her husband, so shit's actually gotten rather real.
As the pair touch down in Christchurch, I prepare myself for a reunion set to rival those video compilations of dogs welcoming home soldiers, which always leave me tear-stained and clutching an empty packet of Squiggles.
Instead, the walking Kmart throw pillow that is Yuki's pup immediately lets it be known that she hates Dan's freaking guts.
"She can get away with murder, can't she?" Dan quavers amidst a torrent of growls and gnashing of teeth.
The floof marks the joyous occasion by peeing on Yuki's leg, and the dysfunctional new family sets off for a walk.
It's not long until Yuki becomes overwhelmed with emotion, but she's comforted by a three-way cuddle between her, Dan and the doggo, causing me to reach for the Squiggles after all.
Married At First Sight NZ airs on Sundays at 7pm, and Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
Newshub.
