Ladies and gentleman, I've suspected it for years, and now I have the evidence: Jennifer Lopez is an age-defying vampire queen that will outlive us all.
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Observe, as Jenny from the Block rings in what she claims is her 50th year on the planet - yeah, right - clad in a custom Versace dress, atop the DJ's stage, headbanging to Fat Joe.
The crucial Instagram video footage captures the Grammy nominee partying with more gusto than a high school graduate on their first night at Rythm and Vines, and it just doesn't add up.
The way I see it, there's only one way to justify J-Lo's flawless complexion, rock hard bod and youthful glow: she's been regularly bathing in the blood of her young victims.
As we all know from Twilight, vampires are twinkly-skinned, immortal beings that survive on the life force of the innocent, and they look damn good as a result.
If science can find another way to demonstrate how J-Lo has not only suspended the aging process, but actually reversed it, I'm listening.
Before you accuse me of being wildly superficial - we're not just talking looks. Let's examine the energy levels displayed by the birthday girl on her big night.
Social media posts show J-Lo tearing up the dancefloor, performing one of her songs while perched upon the shoulders of an unknown minion, hype-womaning for Fat Joe and cutting her absurdly large cake.
The party appeared to continue into the wee small hours, which makes sense considering vampires are famously nocturnal. These creatures of the night can also develop extra endurance, super strength and (probably) really good dance moves when they've recently quenched their thirst.
Anyway, these are the completely unsubstantiated facts.
Happy Birthday J-Lo, long may your wrinkle-free reign continue. And please, spare our souls.
Newshub.
