Welcome back to Married At First Sight NZ - hope you packed your waterproof mascara and town shoes, because it's time for the boys' and girls' nights out.
- MAFS NZ 2019 episode 8 recap: A warning shot through the heart
- MAFS NZ 2019 episode 9 recap: Sex, lies and videotape
Before we head out to those sparsely catered, strongly liquored up excuses for a bitch-fest, we simply must check in on Ray and Jono, who are in a state of emergency.
"Politely get the f**k out"
In case you've forgotten, "a literal gay man" - Ray's 'friend' - woke Jono up at 4.30am to tell him Ray had been out playing a tournament of tonsil hockey with a bunch of dudes.
This news from the not-at-all figurative whistleblower has left Jono understandably fuming, but Ray says it was all just a big joke, so hardy-har-har!
"This isn't funny, Ray, this isn't f**king funny man," Jono says, having thrown Ray's things in the hall without even putting everything he owns in a box to the left.
"You've been the biggest disappointment that's ever happened to me in my life," he adds, sounding a lot like the phone call I made to my internet service provider last week.
It's actually rather awful to watch Jono so anguished while Ray laughs maniacally on the couch. He's still wasted, which might explain why he says Jono should "chill his farm" - which is rude, wrong and potentially harmful to animals.
The day has turned into a waking nightmare, but not as much as it would have been for hungover Ray had they followed through on their plans to go white-water rafting.
Ladies' Night
The only thing separating this grown-up gal's night from a high-school sleepover is that the alcohol is being served by a private bartender rather than sculled from a Pump bottle.
Even before things kick-off, there's a distinctly Katy Perry 'I Kissed A Girl' feeling in the air.
Vicky and Anna have miraculously gone from frenemies to having the hots for each other, with the days of Vicky's inappropriate touching of Jordan's hands long forgotten.
"The craziest thing that could happen tonight is probably Anna and I kissing," giggles Vicky to producers.
"She's hot, so why not?" Anna asks husband Jordan.
Thankfully, there are lots of brightly coloured cocktails with names like 'The Love Club' to help everyone cool down.
"Do you have one called Jordan? Can I have one?" Anna asks, the silly goose.
"No," says the long-suffering bartender.
Jono, now deeply jaded by his MAFS experience, is being far more realistic.
"Have you got an 'I Want A Divorce'?" he asks.
Whatever the cocktail of choice, they're certainly flowing. Grimacing through a thousand deep and meaningful chats peppered with boozy repetition, it occurs to me this must be what it's like to be a sober driver on a night out.
Jono's mad at Carmen, who cries, but not before she tells Rose that Christopher's been bad-mouthing her, so Rose cries.
Vicky's too busy backing Jono to kiss Anna as previously discussed, so Anna lays one on Carmen, before trying to console Jono, who storms out, leaving Anna in tears.
Somehow, not one of the producers thinks to put a call into the wahmbluance.
"I just want to go to bed!" sobs Carmen.
Me too, babes.
Lads Night
After a heavy night out, Ray's somehow mustered the energy to scrub up and get back to the business of ripping on Christopher to deflect from the issues in his own relationship.
"Seems like you're just playing a game to me," he tells Chris. This seems ironic, considering the game of Guess Who…'sThis Strange Man In Your Room? he played with Jono last night.
Thankfully, all suspicion about Ray's extra-marital activities is dashed away with the sacred act of "swearing on the boy code that he didn't hook up with any other dudes".
With that sorted, President of Saturdays Are For The Boys Foundation James has got just the thing - a round of tequila shots, or "taste explosions", as Chris once called them.
Stefaan's the only bloke to join James in sculling a pint for a rather bleak game of 'See You At The Bottom'. Ray, Jordan and Chris are either too hungover, too wholesome, or too old.
"None of our missuses are here, we're all in this room together! Just loosen up, get amongst it," James advises.
Indeed, with not so much as a skerrick of estrogen to get in the way, surely the boys are greenlit for a good ni - oh sorry, nah, spoke too soon.
Everyone stop what they're doing, Chris is "too PC" and we all need to talk about it. In fact, the word PC gets used so many times, it starts to sound like a Mike Hosking radio show.
Does no one remember that time "PC" Chris referred to Jono and Ray as "those gay guys over there"? Just me? Alright.
At this point, perhaps it is better to forget. Someone pass me another taste explosion.
Married At First Sight returns on Sunday at 7:00pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
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