As we round out the first week of Married At First Sight NZ, we've made it through three weddings, two renditions of Anna's vow song, and one slow-dance with a cat.
- Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 1 recap: A toast to warm bread
- Married At First Sight NZ 2019 episode 2 recap: Sock on wood
It's been a lot. Our two couples from last night's episode are still recovering, in fact.
Ray and Jono are looking lovingly at each other, which is a real win considering they're two strangers who woke up in the same hotel room, married.
In contrast, back in room 911 it's a state of emergency for Stefaan and Vicky. Stefaan just doesn't know it yet.
"It doesn't really feel awkward, eh? Us together?" he asks.
"...No," replies Vicky, sounding as comfortable as a person who's just stood on a piece of lego.
While it'd be nice to put our feet up and soak in the cringe a little longer, it's time to strap our heels on again, because we've got two more weddings to get to tonight.
Carmen and James
Expert Steph promises that "there should be a big physical attraction here," for pastry chef Carmen and 'Saturdays are for the boys' advocate James.
"There should be a lot of good sexual energy between these two right from the get-go."
Based on what, exactly, Steph? How on earth can we know such a thing? It's because you think they're both hot, isn't it? Let's just be honest here.
If Steph turns out to be as skilled at predicting sexual chemistry as she is at choosing power suits, it's a good job that James has - he can confirm - recently had the all-clear on his latest STI test.
Carmen, meanwhile, is still reeling from a past relationship in which her boyfriend cheated on her with no less than six different people.
It's hard to imagine that any of those six people made COOKIES for a job while maintaining a PERFECT BODY, but hey, what do I know?
Carmen: I don't want to see you hurt again. I know you told your parents anyone on the show is there because they want to commit, but two out of 12 successful MAFS NZ marriages ain't great odds.
James: Now you listen to me, bud. I'm glad you shaved that wiry moustache, despite the fact it could "tell some stories," about your time in Europe. I'm pleased you're keen to find "someone decent," despite the fact you're behaving quite indecently yourself.
But don't you hurt her, m'kay? Good. Wedding time!
Things are not off to a great start when Carmen's mum catches James whispering that he hopes his new wife is a "baddie", a term which she neither understands nor appreciates.
Don't worry, Debs, James, "ensures you" - not a typo - "she'll be in very good hands."
To be fair, when they meet at the altar, there does seem to be a spark. A couple of "yeah boy, I do's" later, and it's time for the crucial moment of the first kiss.
Unbeknownst to Carmen, there's a sordid bet underway.
James must pash Carmen, under threat of a throat punch from his groomsmen. "If she pulls away and goes 'Nah, that's too full noise,' you've got to go in like 'Bleeeeuhgh'," they tell him, brandishing their tounges.
This is disappointing for a myriad of reasons. Several to do with consent and respect, and one to do with the fact I attended that wedding - please see the evidence from tonight's broadcast - and I thought James and Carmen's first kiss was just lovely.
Now, unlike Carmen, I know better.
It's not all bad though. James did get his bride a very cute bracelet, and they think he might have once sold her a Lost Boys singlet in a bar in Ios last year, which is quite the origin story.
Charge your glass to the happy couple! Or wait, actually, scull it and put it on your head.
Christopher and Rose
Chris reckons he wasn't at all surprised when his son Maxwell put him forward for MAFS, because they've got a very open relationship in their family, and they "do like to do fun things".
When "fun things" stopped becoming a day out at Kelly Tarlton's and instead became setting your dad up to wed a stranger, I'm not sure.
When Chris isn't being the "centre of the room" due largely, I'm sure, to his bold taste in button-down shirts, he likes to debunk conspiracy theories with his friends.
His bride-to-be Rose is a "love optimist," which apart from being my next tattoo, means she's never given up chasing love, despite three failed marriages.
She's also never given up her dream of owning every garment ever made by Decjuba, if her extensive wardrobe is anything to go by.
At the hen's night, Rose exclaimed: "I need expert intervention," which weirdly, is also a tattoo I was considering, but hopefully will mean the fourth time's a charm.
Chris walks into his wedding and shakes the hand of all of his bride's guests, in a power move that no one really notices because the celebrant is wearing a three-piece Pineapple print suit.
Despite the fact she's a "striking woman", Chris says Rose isn't really his type. He normally goes for shorter women, he tells us. He normally goes for Asian women, his daughter Poppy tells us.
Still, he's pretty keen. He even acquiesces to the photographer's request he pretends to "sniff her neck" for a cute picture, which instead turns out looking more like a strange foreign perfume ad.
From there, things only get sexier. Chris tells a placidly nodding Rose he thinks they'll have a lot of fun together.
"I only do fun," he explains. If Chris has not yet had this mantra turned into a personalised licence plate, I think we can all agree he should do so posthaste.
It's a little hard to tell exactly how much fun Rose is having, although there is rather a lot of open-mouth kissing between the pair that makes me feel like I need to close up all my joints.
"They might have sex tonight, to be honest, knowing Dad," Poppy whispers to her friend.
I'm not so sure, Poppy. Rose has been rocking those heavy eyelash extensions all freaking day, and can't be expected to keep her eyes open another second.
Nighty night, sleep tight, and remember what Chris said: "I don't bite".
Married at First Sight NZ will return on Monday night on Three at 7:30pm and can be viewed again via ThreeNow.
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