Should I stay or should I go? It's a question for the ages.
Made famous by The Clash in the 80s, sung by New Zealand Idol runner-up Michael Murphy in 2004, and now, on all the minds of the Married At First Sight NZ contestants.
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Tonight the couples chose whether to stay in the experiment, or leave now to get a headstart plugging collagen powder in their new careers as budding Instagram influencers.
Anna and Jordan
The 'Hollywood couple' of the group continue to truck along together, despite Anna's constant overthinking.
To be fair, it's because her mind is always like "tst-tst-tst-tst-tst-kkkk," she explains, which sounds very unpleasant and distracting.
Gentle Jordan lets all of this wash over him like a placid manatee bobbing in the waves of Anna's anxious energy, likely the reason all this seems to be working out.
While Jordan's decision to stay was a "no-brainer," Anna's required "a big long thought" - but they both got there in the end.
Vicky and Stefaan
Vicky wants to ask the experts "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!", but "in a good way", she reckons, fooling absolutely no one.
She says she and Stefaan experienced some "mutual guttedness" on their honeymoon, which is both a fantastic band name and the most honest thing she says during the session.
Meanwhile Stefaan is off in la-la-land; or more accurately, the theme park in his mind.
"We start on the emotional roller-coaster ride, running off adrenaline from the wedding. Then we get to the big drop - at a high point, we come right down," he says of the marriage.
"We go ride some rapids, start riding the wave," he continues. "Now, it seems we're heading towards the love boat, in a way."
While I definitely think Rainbow's End should take note of the rapid-riding attraction idea, I'm not sure it accurately describes what's happening here.
As for the love boat, it looks like Vicky's already abandoned ship.
"I'm really, really happy," she says, with the expression of a person whose kayak has begun to take on a dangerous amount of water.
Still, they both choose 'stay', and share a totally not-at-all awkward kiss.
"The first of many kisses!" expert Steph cheers.
"Bleugh!" Vicky replies before she can catch herself.
Jono and Ray
We're down in the trenches with Jono and Ray, who are officially at war. With all this talk of "dropping walls", "attacks" and "ammunition", it's probably time to call a medic.
Unfortunately, there aren't any on hand - so it's down to experts Steph and Tony to play hot potato with the hand grenade that is Ray and Jono's marriage.
Ray now suspects a spy in their midst; it's Jono, and he's a "paid actor" apparently.
"He's the only one who got a gold wedding ring, he's the only one who had shoes supplied, he's the only one who was told he'd get to keep his jacket!" Ray explains with the conviction of a veteran conspiracy theorist.
It's unclear whether Ray's true gripe is with his husband or the show's stylists, who he might like to ask for a tinfoil hat to wear next.
What we know for sure is Jono is "sick of this shit" and he's changed his tactics. Ray used to think he was so soft he was "absolute pudding", Jono tells us, but no longer.
"To treat me like someone who is here to sabotage you is so f**king f**ked up," Jono declares in a distinctly not-pudding way.
In the end both brave soldiers agree to fight another day, in the interest of "not giving up". Love is a battlefield, after all.
Carmen and James
Everything's pretty choice with Carmen and James, who have generously taken 30 minutes out from furiously doin' it in order to attend today's session.
James is so enthusiastic about 'staying' he's written a rather sweet acrostic poem:
Stay
Together
Always
Yeah?
To which Carmen's answer is, as it was on her wedding day, "Yeah, boy!"
Pure poetry.
James has come a long way in a couple of short weeks. I've got a sneaking suspicion he might not even believe 'Saturdays are for the boys' anymore.
Rose and Chris
Things have taken a turn for the worse for these two, due largely - I think - to the fact Rose has entirely exhausted her tolerance for Chris's fun shirt collection.
"That one's probably too much," he suggests of a bright, spotty number.
"Yeah, that looks like lollies," Rose replies. She's clearly thinking less Pascal's Party Mix, more squashed Werther's Original.
Apparently Chris's problem is that he is simultaneously immature and way too old. "Sometimes it feels a bit like I'm hanging out with my dad," Rose says.
It kind of makes sense. She thinks he works too much, she's embarrassed by his silly jokes, and she's not attracted to him.
"Not even a glimmer?" expert Steph asks.
"No," Rose says. Righto then.
Suddenly, in a very un-dad move, Chris reveals he's written 'leave'.
He hopes it will serve as a "warning shot" for Rose because so help me God, he will turn this relationship around if you kids don't pipe down.
Rose looks like she's just tucked into a big bag of sour gummies. Her decision will have to wait until tomorrow night, because that's reality TV, folks.
Married At First Sight returns on Tuesday at 7:30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
