Welcome back to Married At First Sight NZ, where we're about to be treated to "the most emotional f**king trainwreck we've ever f**king seen", according to Ray. Yay!
The latest episode features the second commitment ceremony, where the couples will be forced to decide whether to stay or leave the experiment, and their spouse, for good.
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Before that, they'll break off to further impair their judgment with YET MORE DRINKS, because it must have been at least 12 minutes since their last rosé and who needs a clear head, anyway?
Much like the participants, I'm emotionally exhausted and my head hurts. To perk myself up, I've decided to employ cute couple's names for everyone, because it's about time.
Carmen and James (Jarmen)
James tells us that the drama of the previous few nights "seems really childish to him".
I'm just pleased to see he hasn't lost his voice from yelling swear words at Vicky in the hotel lobby.
"It's all a big game, and I don't want to play the game," he adds.
I presume the couple would prefer to stick to games they know and love, like Strip Chess - remember the honeymoon? - and Last To Scull Their Beer Gets A Bad Tattoo.
With an adamant 'stay' from both parties, there's plenty more fun to be had.
Put on your shades, Jarmen's future is bright - plus, it will help shield your retinas from any more impromptu nudity.
Jono and Ray (Ray-Jay)
Before you ask, yes, 'Ray-Jay' is a nod to Kim Kardashian's sex tape partner. Yes, I realise there's a MAFS couple that actually did have a sex tape scandal, which would have made more sense.
Do I wish the stars had aligned better for this joke? Yes. Did it stop me? No.
Really, what we should be lamenting is how quickly this promising relationship has gone awry.
There's nothing quite like a Literal Gay Man telling bad jokes in your bedroom at 4.30am to break up a marriage, and that classic relationship pitfall appears to have claimed another couple.
"I'm still in two minds about whether to stay or leave," says Ray.
Hold on, what? Much like the aforementioned gay man, you guys LITERALLY hate each other with the fire of a thousand burning suns. What are you doing?
To be fair, if Ray left now, he'd miss his weekly appointment criticising other people in the group in order to avoid addressing his own issues, and that'd be a nightmare.
Jono, not respecting this, chooses to leave. But luckily his decision means nothing anyway, because Ray chose to stay - so lock the door, throw away the key and bring on the hometown visits!
"Why are we still f**king here?" Jono asks, possibly talking to the universe.
Vicky and Stefaan (Sticky)
Vicky's found herself in a very sticky situation indeed upon learning Stefaan's been stitching her up by saying she's fake.
Her husband refused to give her the details of his secret dinner party goss-sesh, so it's Anna that dutifully breaks the news.
"I'm only telling you this because I love you," Anna repeats, gleefully, like your high school nemesis about to show you a text she just got from your crush.
Apparently Stefaan wasn't sure if his wife was "in it for the right reasons".
Sidebar: I hereby put forward "here for the right reasons" as the official MAFS warcry, to be added to the MAFS flag and incorporated into the MAFS national anthem immediately.
Anyway, Vicky is devastated by this revelation, but she doesn't even know the half of it. At the ceremony, Stefaan says he'd have "no feelings" for his wife if she left.
Stef's new savage alter-ego is quickly brought down a notch by the O.G. Steph (expert Stephanie) who says that he's been swayed by the opinions of others and a bit of booze.
"The truth syrup of a few drinks meant I over-said a bit too much," Stefaan admits eventually.
This might be a great text to send to your workmates after embarrassing yourself at the team karaoke night, but it doesn't work so well in this context.
Somehow, the couple decides to both stay, and honestly, I'm deeply confused.
All I can hope is that Stefaan goes on to release a gin-and-tonic premix called Truth Syrup immediately after the show wraps.
Anna and Jordan (Jordanna)
Anna's in a right tizz after telling Jordan she was "falling for him" yesterday because she reckons he didn't say he was feeling the same way.
The fact that A) he literally said: "I feel the same way" and B) it was recorded on camera does not seem to matter.
"I could feel him putting on the brakes," Anna tells us. The irony of this statement with Jordan being a race car driver is lost amongst all the anguish.
Of course she's not thinking of such things. Like she said, she's been like "stay, leave, stay, leave, stay, leave, I don't know," which must be exhausting.
"I noticed Anna sat as far away from me as possible," Jordan observes of his wife at the commitment ceremony.
"Which was strange, because normally she's really cuddly and close to me."
Hearing Jordan say this is like hearing a teddy bear's account of being left out in the rain, and I now need a hug.
Despite the whole 'stay-leave' conundrum, Jordanna lives to miscommunicate another day, as they both choose to stay.
Chris and Rose (Chrose)
There's an eerie calm in Chris and Rose's apartment before the ceremony.
The pair have the air of two war-weary generals who have called a truce on the battlefield, shaking hands before each inexplicably donning a pair of zany pants.
"We just are really struggling with the physical attraction to each other," Rose says, proving that neither a tie-dye nor a shiny gold trouser can inspire them to rip each other's off.
To really hammer the point home, Chris is rocking a tee-shirt that says 'two wrongs' on the front.
Later, when he stands up, we'll learn it says 'don't make a right' on the back, in perhaps the most exciting moment of Chrose's entire appearance on the show.
"We are two people who would bump into each other on the way to the bathroom at a restaurant and we'd just pass each other by," Chris explains.
This forces me think about Chris' restaurant bathroom etiquette in a way I wish I hadn't had to.
Anyway, they both choose to leave, which means a fourth failed marriage for Rose, and free reign for Chris to wear his loud button-down shirts in peace.
Godspeed, Chrose, and goodnight.
Married At First Sight NZ airs Sundays at 7:00pm, and Monday - Tuesday at 7.30pm on Three. Previous episodes can be viewed on ThreeNow.
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