So much occurred this week on Married at First Sight Australia, Sunday's episode feels like aeons ago. If you'll allow me to take us all the way back, that night gifted us the hotly awaited commitment ceremony.
We were all gagging to see Sara get ripped a new one from the judges for her ridiculous behaviour at last week's dinner party.
Even worse than having to wait until the end of the episode to see that, was things starting with Jack writing Tori a poem as a reward for being the sweet, submissive pet he's come to know and love. In what I can only assume is an ode to Ten Things I Hate About You, his little ditty touches on important points like how he likes it when she laughs and when she makes the bed. OK, Chaucer!
The Commitment Ceremony
Kicking things off in the hot seat this week was Tin-Man Timothy for his bizarre Freudian obsession with Tori and Jack's sex life. In what we can only describe as "fair enough", Lucinda wants him to focus on their relationship instead of haranguing another couple on why they aren't banging.
Lucinda walks into the ceremony SLAYING the purple fur coat Timothy said he hated in the first week of the experiment. It was like a fluffy purple version of Princess Diana's iconic revenge dress.
Hearing Lucinda's ethereal breathy voice mimic Timothy - "f**k you f**k this, you're shit" - while chucking up the bird was nothing short of cathartic.
"What do you actually want to be projecting in your frequency?" she questions, and that's a question we all need to be asking ourselves daily, IMO.
We finally see Sara get her comeuppance for her behaviour at the evening's dinner party that resulted in her screeching ang storming off. In a complete shock to Sara, she's given a total serve from Mel.
"You were pointing, shouting and being aggressive all night," Mel informs Sara and its all BRAND NEW INFORMATION for the totally shooketh bride. She could not fathom that she was in the wrong and clutches her invisible pearls.
In an act of apology, the following day she writes Tim a letter for her "spicy" antics. I don't know if that word means what you think it does babes. Also, why is everyone so obsessed with writing things down this week? They've clearly all been inspired by Lucinda's etchings and musings – quills all round for Christmas this year.
Just when we feel like we might be losing interest this show knows how to reeeeeel us back in with the INTRUDERS baby! That means brand new couples aka "fresh meat' – Jack's sweet words – as well as some familiar faces.
Michael and Stephen
If, like my partner, you've only recently become absolutely hooked on this show after originally saying things like "what is this shit?" and now say things like "Sara needs to stop controlling the narrative," there's a chance you might not even know Michael.
We first met this Ohio-born cutie at the hens' do in episode one, and he was meant to be wed with the first lot of couples. But he was left high and dry when his future husband vanished without a trace the night before the experiment.
Judging by the eerie music playing over that particular flashback we're looking forward to the six-part true-crime podcast on that mysterious disappearance – a hosting opportunity for Ben, perhaps?
Thankfully, the experts have conjured up a new match so Michael has been released from his the single man holding cell in the Sydney industrial warehouse, stuffed into a tux and ready to hit the altar for another shot , throwing up deuces in a move we can only assume he instantly regrets.
Filling our runaway groom's shoes with his sockless ankles is Stephen. One of eight simply stunning siblings, this Perth-based honey has locks as luscious as Jayden's. Appropriately, he's a hairdresser.
"I'm able to live a very comfortable life because of that."
We get it Stephen, you're rich.
I'm sorry but at first sight these two are – gorgeous? As they wed in front of what I think might be the most stunning flower arrangement I've ever seen, I feel deep in my soul these two are the perfect match.
This f**kin' show, man. I was just getting nicely jaded and I've been sucked right back in.
On their Tasmania honeymoon there are a few tensions over Stephen being a 'backup' groom – this was apparently news to him. But Michael says all the right things about believing everything happens for a reason and they have a decidedly unsexy bath to celebrate being friends again. Yay!
I think you have to get in the bath, Michael, but each to his own!
Madeleine and Ash
The elephant in the room: as soon as our next intruder hits screens, every soap opera fan worth their salt would have been checking to see if they'd accidentally pushed play on the wrong show. It's Amber! From 2020-2021 Home and Away. Anyone??
So while there was some musing about Collins' acting chops, we now have a straight-up actor on the show. This will surely be something they acknowledge, right?
Well, kind of. Madeleine expresses firmly that these days she's a 'psychic medium' – and fittingly spends her whole wedding ceremony talking to spirits.
"I was an actress for a long time, an artist. I don't love to own that in a way," she explains. Er, because an actress on a reality show is suss AF, perhaps?
"This is who I really am," says Madeleine, who adds that she realised she had gifts as a psychic when her grandfather passed away during the early phase of the COVID-19 pandemic.
"That’s when my mediumship came in more strongly," she explains. "I get psychic downloads…helpful information for me to know. That's convenient. It's also giving That's So Raven.
I've literally never heard of a single person becoming a medium so late in life but I have heard of many people hitting the reality circuit when their acting career dies – but that's just my two cents.
While Madeleine claims to not "be a normal person" in her claw clip and Anine Bing sweater – a unique queen – she blesses us with some of the best lines so far.
"Knowing about things can be so fun". OK Kylie Jenner!
Her groom Ash is a family man. He has a very elderly father and a young stepmother who speaks little English, he's left to care for his two younger brothers, aged 7 and 12 respectively. We'll leave those facts there without comment.
There's no doubt that Ash is a sweetheart. School run, lunches, bedtime routine – he does it all for his brothers. If Madeleine is a certified Bullshit Artist™ and here to mess with his heart, I'm going to throw hands.
Their wedding does have a real win though in that half the current couples are in attendance, including Lucinda, beaming with excitement.
With guidance from the surrounding spirits, Madeleine just WINGS HER VOWS. We're talking off the cuff, people. Truly that gives second-hand anxiety. And did she nail it? Well she told her new husband she loves him, repeated four times how annoying she is, and screamed at herself to shut up, so you be the judge.
"Beautiful," says Lucinda. Supportive queen.
Things turn really pear-shaped when the spirits give Madeleine a bad steer on Ash. They really said 'we see some ghostly red flags girl!' so immediately she was all 'no, I hate this stranger I just said that I loved'.
Ash had to claw his way back into her good books so he mentioned that he had maybe… felt some spirits in his room the night before? It was a sensible manoeuvre - just like that, Madeleine is back in, baby.
Her ghostly entourage even accompanied them on their NSW coastal honeymoon, which you would be shocked to learn wasn't the weirdest part. Ash, bless his heart, was down for having 100 odd ghosts following them around and was even on board with Madeleine's odd commentary of fairly normal things.
"This is sexy," she screeched looking at a muddy paddock. "I love this stuff!" she roared pointing at a fairly unremarkable charcuterie board.
But even he had to admit things are taking a turn for the bizarre when Madeleine has a complete breakdown at the sight of cows, thanks to the steak she's eaten the eve before. It's either the first steak she's eaten in her life, or the first cow she's seen, because this is a lot.
"They're all so scared," she screeches, roaming amongst the cows, crying and screaming.
"Why are they so scared?"
Truly I don’t know Madeleine, you seem wonderful. Please leave me and my family alone.
Jade and Ridge
Our final couple are Gen Z hotties Jade and Ridge. Ridge is a self-proclaimed bachelor - or f**kboy, depending on your chosen terminology - who has decided it's time to settle down and find himself a wife for his *checks notes * first serious relationship ever. Often people might move out of their parents' home first, but choose your own timeline, king!
He is a psychiatric nurse which is a startlingly worthy job for someone who originally comes off so laddish. But his job gives him a lot of insight. He explains he sees a lot of depression in his line of work, and he would hate to break anyone's heart so bad they… have to be committed? I guess that is what he's saying?
Never have I felt so old in my life than when Ridge and his friends school the producers on their favourite word: "dece". (pronounced deeeece).
"Dece means, like, decent,” the boys inform us. “Which means very good-looking, in our terminology.”
Er, put some respect on my name boys? According to this mortifying Facebook memory I was using such terminology in 2009.
All Ridge cares about is that his bride is "dece” with a “tidy rig”
"I'm not going to get hard for a personality," he earnestly explains.
Euthanise me.
Luckily Jade, a mother of one, is gorgeous, even if she has lash extensions that touch the outer layer of the earth's orbit. She's looking for someone who isn't cocky. Perfect.
Ridge's posse of awful friends elevate the already terrible vows with a collective trumpeting of "dece" during the vows areyoukiddingme. Jade already warned us she had trouble hiding her facial expressions and for this occasion she should have worn some sort of ski mask.
Despite such a hideous beginning, things look up for this couple during the reception. When Jade reveals she has a seven-year-old daughter (something we were all certain was going to send this boy child running for the hills) he actually takes it on the chin pretty well.
He also tickles Jade's funny bone on their honeymoon with some hilarious gags.
"Let's make like a tree and leave," he jokes. Give this man a Netflix special .
Jade doesn't laugh but explains that "most of the time I don’t know what he’s saying" - she is so real for that
In the morning Ridge is thrilled to wake up to her bringing a bacon and egg roll, which he's allowed to eat once he promises he's made the bed.
"Go check if you want!" he tells her. It seems Ridge has found himself a mother and wife in one. Perfection.
The Dinner Party
The week culminates with a dinner party that, in theory, is for introducing the 'intruders' to the couples we know and love. But we only need the ominous music and shots of darkening Sydney skyline to know that something is about to go down.
“I’m gonna get in so much trouble for this. I was not meant to say anything,” says – who else? – Lauren. Call me shallow but that has to be my favourite sentence in the entire world. It truly always leads to the best tea.
“There is a rumour that one guy has mentioned more than once that if there is a couple swap situation within the experiment that the boys have permission to sleep with his wife because he doesn’t want to because he’s not attracted to her.”
This rumour was obviously shared by Lauren's husband Jonathan who is looking, understandably, terrified. You're going to want to be making very sure you've shared no secrets yourself here, Jono. And we've heard you got some secrets to share.
Lauren decides there's nothing else for it but to tell Tori her newfound info at the dinner party this evening. Yes, we're certain confronting Jack about this rumour in front of everyone instead of quietly in their apartment a few doors down is a decision completely with Tori's best interests at heart. This is a face of complete concern.
Meanwhile – "it feels like it’s gonna be a fun night," beams Lucinda. God I love her.
Once again the blonde coven – or "sisterhood" according to the experts, bless their hearts – ferrets Tori away to impart the fairly hideous info. Jack quickly picks up the weird vibes – he's an empath! Tori takes it all reasonably impassively, because we're fairly sure nothing could shock her at this point.
In total coincidence, I'm sure, Jack and Lauren are then seated opposite each other at the table allowing them to have an absolute mother of a staring match.
We're sure this will be handled maturely and –"Alright, Lauren – what have you got to say?” Jack snaps.
Lauren reports the rumours she heard Jack tell her husband Jonathan – who is staying very silent by the way – that he is not sexually attracted to Tori. And all hell breaks f**king loose – which is confusing because hasn't he been saying that the whole time??
"I never said that," Jack repeatedly spits.
Er, it's probably uncouth to screenshot my own recaps but f**k it – proof is in the pudding darlings.
Ok, Jack admits maybe he did say it but it was a JOKE. And he and Tori share the same humour and she KNOWS ABOUT IT. Tori nods along like the brainwashed puppet she is.
When Jack attempts to bring Jonathan – who is still staring at his dinner plate like it's showing Oppenhiemer – into the fight, Lauren tries to defend her husband and Jack snaps.
“Can you muzzle your woman?”
¡Qué horror!
We'll let these reaction pictures tell a thousand words.
Everyone gasps. Lucinda is DISGUSTED, and therefore I am DISGUSTED.
We can't wait to hear what John Aiken has to say about this at this week's commitment ceremony.
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
