A commitment ceremony, intimacy challenges AND an explosive dinner party? We were truly blessed by the Married At First Sight Australia gods with this week's episodes!
Things kicked off on Sunday night with the first Commitment Ceremony of the season. For the uninitiated, this is when the experts are released from their screen-watching bunker to grill the couples on their relationship highs and lows before each bride and groom votes to stay or leave.
If, like me, you find it highly attractive when psychologist John Aiken wags his finger and tells people off in a disappointed fashion, it's the highlight of the week.
Sunday's ceremony was particularly tense as our previously departed friends Natalie and Collins - the winner of all the worst up-and-coming actor awards - are back in the building and giving things another shot.
The drama of the evening is prefaced by slow-motion montages of each person getting ready alone, perhaps a poignant metaphor for how precarious relationships are. We could all find ourselves alone in the bathroom at any point, guys.
But all I could think about was how terrible the bathroom lighting is for doing makeup - one of these wannabe influencers brought their ring light with them, surely.
Here's a question: what time of day do these ceremonies occur? To gear themselves up, Lauren enjoys a bold red while Jonathan sips a refreshing morning mimosa. The drinks lineup is throwing me off - it could literally be any time from 7am - 6pm.
The experts ease us into events by calling up our non-offensive faves - we love Tristan and Cassandra's love! - before Tori and Jack are summoned so that John can grill him on entering the experiment with a full-time girlfriend.
Much like at the last dinner party, Jack launches into his script. His ex-girlfriend was crazy, she's just looking for attention, etc etc.
"...Just to be clear Jack…"
GET HIM JOHN.
Under John's Guantanamo-esque level of questioning, Jack is forced to admit that, okay, yes fine, so maybeeee he had been in a relationship when he'd applied for the show. But actually it's fine and indeed, BENEFICIAL even, because it's made Jack think higher of Tori. Because of how she's handled herself. So all's well that ends well, amirite team?
John's not buying it.
Things then took a turn for the bizarro when Natalie and Collins sat on the couch and Collins gave a performance for the history books.
Natalie's being upset "kills him", apparently. "I'm heartbroken. It kills me to my core," he stonewalls with all the actual emotion of a call centre worker reading from their approved corporate script.
Again, John's not having it.
"John, let me tell you..." Collins starts.
"I hadn't finished talking" John cuts him off.
GET HIM JOHN.
The following day Collins further adds to his audition tape for a single-man production of Macbeth by pulling up a seat on the balcony to observe the Sydney skyline and perform a monologue to nobody.
"I will fight for this," he whispers, staring off into the distance. "Yeah. I'll fight for it"
But thank the lord, Nat is done being his solo theatre reviewer and lets him know: "I can't talk to someone who talks to me like we're on the set of Neighbours and Home and Away."
The writers of those shows have never been so wrecked in their lives.
"I can't even listen to you without hearing orchestra," she acutely observes. Neither can we, babe! Although to be fair, the Succession-style orchestral soundtrack cranked over the top in post-production probably has something to do with that.
She's out (again) - for good this time. "Bye Nat," Collins whispers, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
Thank goodness Nat called it before the commencement of intimacy week, aka, sex week. Judging by Collins' everyday dialogue, we'd hate to hear his dirty talk.
For the rest of the couples it's time for a series of challenges set by Alessandra, everyone's favourite resident sexologist. On the lineup? Genital 'cupping', hugging challenges, what appears to be the odd staring contest and other sexy games.
The elephant in the room is that Alessandra is genuinely far too hot to be a relatable sexologist. This woman has never faced sexual insecurity in her life. Like how do people talk to this Victoria's Secret model about their genitals?
To fix the devolving crisis that is Lucinda and Timothy's relationship this week, Alessandra visits their apartment, turns down an offered coconut water and gets stuck into their challenges - from 'melting' hugs to an eye gazing challenge.
This seems like a challenge made for our girl Lucinda and you best believe she cherished the chance to "sit there with the beautiful soul that [Tim] is". To be fair, I feel that Lucinda could engage in this challenge enthusiastically with just about anyone: shop workers, parking wardens, you name it.
"I could see beyond all the layers into your beautiful soul and just enjoy the gorgeous creature that you are," she breathlessly tells her husband.
"Well," he says in response.
Intoxicating stuff.
Intimacy week also means a chance for kink confessions, meaning it's time to visit Tori and Jack: everyone's favourite sexually horned up couple who haven't yet had sex.
As has been very, very well documented in numerous articles, a 'yes or no' kink list challenge means that Jack gets a little too sharesy and admits a penchant for, erm, watersports. If you don't know what that means, you're not old enough to, so don't Google it.
Tori was horror struck by this turn of events. "It's just surprising from someone so OCD and clean - it's just not very clean is it?" she appeals.
Haven't you heard it's rude to yuck someone else's yum, Tori?
She's much more into the genital cupping challenge as it means she can finally get her mitts on Jack's genitals. She wants to rip his clothes off - luckily his outfit can easily be easily recreated from her own wardrobe in case of damage.
Well it's like the old adage: couples that dress and genital cup together, stay together. I've always said that.
Tori is HORNY for this man and she's not afraid to express it.
"Wouldn't it be funny if I was like 'things are heating up' and he was like 'things are pretty low-key'," she jokes, pissing herself at the thought. (That's just an expression Jack, don't get excited).
Sadly that's almost word for word what Jack reveals during another intimacy week workshop, this time a sit down chat with all the grooms and Alessandra. When the men discuss boomfing their wives, Jack once again iterates that he does. not. want. to. sleep. with. this. woman.
"I don't have any sexual energy with her... I really dont have the spark of 'I wanna have sex with this girl'," he says.
The lads are pretty shocked but far more shocked when he tells them (unpromoted!) his personal sexual flavours.
Through it all Tristan could not believe it. He had what is possibly his first kiss ever this week, so golden showers are firmly in another wheelhouse. Here he is showing how chill he finds it all by folding himself into origami.
Timothy was less concerned with appearing chill: "Jack's into some weird shit. Jesus Christ, don't go out with him on a Friday night!"
OK, calm down, Timothy I don't think he's going to be cornering you in the urinals at the pub, mate.
Meanwhile in the women's workshop, eyes are for the first time on Ellie (remember her?!) , who has been facing some ongoing challenges with her partner Ben. She's focused on having kids and he's focused on getting those sweet, sweet podcast downloads.
"I'm open to having kids, if that's something that arises in the future," has been his constant refrain this week. For God's sake man, you're 39. Make a decision.
"He's not thinking about us when talking about future plans, he's thinking about opportunities that exist outside the experiment," admits Ellie. By opportunities we're assuming she means a live broadcast of his podcast or hosting some House of Travel TikToks or something.
But good news team! Post the workshops, Ben has some crazy unexpected news for Ellie. While at the gym, a spontaneous phone call with his sister in law changed the whole game.
"My niece and nephew were in the background crying and screaming and... it just made me smile. And I just realised... I do want that. I'm ready to settle down properly. I do want to have kids in the future."
Isn't that just miraculous?
As someone fairly ambivalent about having kids, I'm happy to take a punt on the fact that hearing two of them screaming in the background of a random phone call to a family member is not the reason you've suddenly decided you're ready to embrace fatherhood with open arms, Ben.
Could it possibly be you've realised Ellie might leave and you need at least four more weeks onscreen to secure your fair share of hosting opportunities?
There's no way Ellie can't see that's what's happeni- "Oh, well, that's a bit random, but I'm very pleased to hear it!" she squeals.
Ah.
But if Ben thought he was going to get away with it all sunshine and roses, he was in for a rude awakening. This week culminated in the second dinner party and the couples sure had some dirty laundry to air. Hide the arancini!
Before Ben and Ellie arrive, the other brides are all talking mad shit about them, ready to grill this week's chosen sacrifice, Ben, for his repeated offences. Once they are all seated at the table, the gloves were well and truly off.
I really felt for Eden as she was down the boring end of the table and you could tell she was dying to chip in with her other blonde crusaders. At least she had some crudites for distraction.
Ben is given an absolute grilling for mocking stunning wife for getting too "emotional" in her lizard lady brain, and for telling her he's down for kids immediately, when that is quite clearly not the case. Shockingly (or not shockingly) conflict avoidant Jonothan is suddenly chirping up to give him a serve.
Interesting. Interesting...
Down the table, Timothy is once again weighing in on Tori and Jack's sex life. He's a man obsessed!
It's all so much that Lauren jumps to Tori's defence, bringing up the fact Timothy recently dated a 23-year-old and hasn't even slept with his own wife, so those in glass houses shouldn't be throwing such large stones. This leaves our queen Luncinda a "bit hurt and humiliated". For that I'm ready to absolutely throw hands. Lucinda hive, rise up.
The wheels falling off continues as the focus of the table suddenly switches to Sara and Tim - nobody is safe this evening! It's like an accusation firing squad. The pair get into a tense confrontation over the fact that Tim planned not one but three dates during the week, all of which Sara cancelled because she was hungover.
It was so shocking that even sweet Cassandra weighed in, saying if someone cancelled on her date three times she would be "so upset" and would "take it personally".
Do you know who loves that? The psychologists downstairs. Watching from their screen bunker, they applaud her for such eloquent points. The teacher's pet in me is very jealous of the praise.
Of course, Sara had to gaslight Tim into thinking he didn't even plan a date. "It was just like, 'Let's do something on Sunday'," she dismisses. Clearly this total reinvention of the facts didn't sit well with Timmy, who countered that he told her when, where and what to wear.
"No you didn't!" she screams. "YES I DID!" he yells back.
At this point Sara storms off and the girls all run to calm her down, which is exactly what she wants as it seems like she may only be here to get wasted with the girliepops. "You should never realise your voice at me," Sara screeches at Tim, shaking her fist, before storming right out of the building on her teetering heels.
Ah yes the old storm off sobbing when you know you're losing an argument. It's a classic. We've all been there. It's just most of us were, you know, in our teens rather than a grown woman in our thirties.
I'm personally ready for John Aiken to give her what's what at the next commitment ceremony. Get her, John.
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
