The second week of Married At First Australia season 11 has drawn to a close and holy heck, it's been a massive one.
We've had the weddings of the final two couples, the first explosive dinner party, the earliest-ever exit AND the always juicy 'confessions' week', which included one of the most shocking bombs ever dropped on any reality TV show.
Fittingly, it was about 50 life changing events in the space of one week, which makes sense with the breakneck speed these relationships move at.
I tried covering everything in this recap and it was as long as bloody War and Peace so I've attempted to trim it down to the key moments, but by jingo there are a lot.
Let's kick things off with our final two weddings of the week.
Richard and Andrea
We met our oldest couple from the experiment: 62-year-old Richard and 51-year-old Andrea. As occurred at the bucks' party, Richard is once again tearing at his chest and howling at the moon at the thought of looking his age.
"People will say to me 'You don't look 62!'" he screeches. These 'people' sound like polite, well-meaning dinner guests who have been harangued at dinner .
"Well thanks but what does a 62-year-old LOOK LIKE SIR OR MADAM," he growls. "I mean, it's a RUDE COMMENT".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of acquaintances stampeding away from Richard so as to not get stuck in this bizarre repeated age-focused convo loop with him. Hopefully his job isn't one where speaking is important.
"My name is Richard, I live in Sydney and I'm a motivational speaker."
Oh.
Richard admits to lying about his age on dating apps but is also a fan of the universe taking its own course to see where things land. We love you putting that trust in the stars, king!
His bride is pink-haired angel Andrea, who came on the show after it taught her what gaslighting was and she realised her former partner was doing it to her repeatedly.
"Because MAFS broke up my relationship I feel they should find me a new man," she laughs. As a clearly avid watcher, we're shocked at the faith she has in the experiment, but these two actually seem to be a fun-loving match.
Of course, the main characters at this wedding are their respective adult children. Can we get all these people modelling contracts now? The facial genetics are elite.
Richard roars into the ceremony on a motorbike while Andrea rocks down the aisle in sparkly boots and reveals she too has a motorbike licence. Kismet! The kids are beaming, the new step-sisters are getting along - it's all good omens aplenty.
Lauren and Jonathan
The producers saved the wildest bride until last. Lauren quickly establishes herself as the people's princess - she's a red-flag chasing, cocktail-slamming PR exec who would rather die than marry a vegan.
Lauren says her ex-partners would describe her as "crazy".
"But in a good way," she adds. Ah yes. The classic 'my ex is crazy in a good way' standpoint. We've all been there.
Lauren wants a partner as driven as she is - so cut to her groom Jonathan displaying his work ethic by pounding a long black and beavering away on his Macbook in the blazing sunshine. There is absolutely no way he could have seen that screen. Fingerprint city.
Jonathan is a health and wellness-focused business owner whose exes might call him 'obsessive'. Again, in a totally positive way, I'm sure.
He starts his wedding day by running along the beach before a swim and probably a spot of transcendental meditation or something. Meanwhile, Lauren has to be woken by a producer wading through the empty mimosa glasses on her hotel floor. For this, she's extremely real.
Then she sends women viewers everywhere screaming by donning a mitt and fake tanning her exposed arm, leg and ingrown hair-covered bikini line WHILE IN HER WEDDING DRESS. Near white SILK?? This woman truly is not afraid to dance with the devil!
Despite their differences and once Lauren made it down a vertical staircase to the altar, there was instant chemistry with this pair. They were cracking gags left right and centre - it was a basically Netflix special up there.
Not laughing was Jonathan's business-casually dressed step-sister with a socking great crucifix around her neck, who believes her step-brother needs someone "calm and sensitive".
If she'd rolled her eyes at Lauren any harder she might have broken her neck. Oh honey, if you don't like her vows, you're going to HATE her blowjob jokes at the reception.
"I think Lauren is very flirty. And when you add a few drinks into the mix..." the step-sister stonewalls.
Heaven forbid a bride down a few tequila sodas while marrying a stranger. Is Jonathan's step-sister... jealous?
The first dinner party
Post-nuptials, we check in on our remaining couples and their honeymoons on far-flung islands and local wine country. No doubt our resident travel tour guide and podcaster Ben is getting some great content ready for his next poddy.
Some couples are already getting hot and heavy. Sara is essentially forced to admit she and Tim had had sex about three hours beforehand, which was absurdly intimate.
No such luck for Natalie: her husband Collins' aforementioned pillow wall from my last recap is still in force, and he seems to be organising literally any activity to stop being intimate. From fishing to four-wheel driving, it felt more like a stag do than a honeymoon. And Natalie would not. stop. crying.
It's not a good vibe when going into the big event: the first dinner party of the season. Yes, we return to the famous Sydney industrial warehouse that transforms into a restaurant-come-therapist's office for three months of the year. It's a beautiful thing to behold!
Collins further fuels rumours he's just there to make friends and influence people as he is absolutely amping for this dinner party. Natalie is anxious about being confronted with couples who might actually be attracted to each other. But even in her anxiety, she has managed a statement eye that would put 2016 YouTuber to shame. Glorious stuff.
There is a slight horror-film vibe to the shots of all the other couples maniacally laughing and pawing at each other in slow motion. It would have really put me off my kingfish crudo.
Eventually it's all too much for poor Nat and she storms away from the table sobbing. Her decision to leave the experiment absolutely blindsides Collins - not only are his 25 minutes of fame over before they'd begun, he's missing the main course.
Echos of the other couples' laughter reach Collins as his crocodile tears cause him to slip and slide his way out of the warehouse. You can see him considering running back in to take his seat for the gags. Is a solo groom allowed on MAFS? He just bloody loves dinner parties you see!
He'll be devastated he was forced out before the group got to the most important of the evening: whether testosterone-pumped up 'alpha' Jack (of Jack-and-Tori coupling) dumped his previous long-term girlfriend to come on a television show. The headlines and rumours have both been swirling, so Jayden decided to liven things up by questioning him outright. Everyone is dancing around it with talk of ethics and morals and "clearing the air" but Lauren was the only one to speak her (our) truth:
"I'm such a nosy bitch, this kind of situation is like heroin to me. I LOVE it," she confesses.
"Not that I love heroin," she clarifies.
Jack nips such vicious rumours "in the butt" (ow) with the tried and true ex- boyfriend method of claiming his ex was crazy (not in a totally pos way like you Lauren) and is looking for her 15 minutes of fame etc etc. It's just all so PREDICTABLE.
As he drones on, all I can think about was the vindication Tori's BFF Lea must be feeling. She called this from the start. Someone cut to her living room, I'm begging you.
Onwards and upwards. The couples move into the luxe SkySuites which look like actual heaven. Pools? Daybeds? Lush suites with baths and king size beds with hotel sheets? KFC DOWNSTAIRS? Now I understand why these people are doing this.
It's a good thing the apartments are luxe because the couples are locked inside for confessions week. Tasks are arranged to test partners on their honesty, including ranking the other brides and grooms on attractiveness, ranking their values and confessing deep secrets from past relationships.
Eden and Jayden are the first to reveal deep truths from their past. Call me naive, but I really thought it was going to be stealing a $20 from an ex's wallet or something.
Then Jayden goes and drops the bomb.
"When my ex cheated, I stayed with her, and told her I was willing to give her another chance, as long as I could sleep with her best friend while she watches," he reads out his letter.
EXCUSE ME. You said you'd WHAT if your ex let you WHAT with WHO NOW?
Eden questions new pal Sara if that's weird and er, not here to yuck anyone else's yum Eden. But we're pretty secure in calling that one a red flag, yeah.
To add more fuel to the fire is the annual 'attractiveness ranking challenge' - where each bride and groom is forced to rank the others based on their attractiveness.
Timothy refuses to even take part, cementing him as a certified sweetheart. Sadly there are no such hesitations for Richard as he slobbers over the women - some 30 years his junior - as he rates their bodies and/or faces.
Meanwhile Andrea is smiling, smiling, smiling to show she is just so. relaxed. and. cool. with. this. Especially when he puts her - wait for it - third.
Further victims to the confessions week curse are Tim and Sara. When each is tasked with letting the other go through their phone to see their partner's final correspondence, Sara flat out refuses.
No red flags there, I'm sure.
"Shouldn't trust be... just like... not needing to see the phone ," she babbles. "I just think it's invasive. The whole thing is invasive."
Sorry, what television show do you think you're on Sara??
"I don't think that went very well to be honest," Tim confesses - and we'd be forced to agree darl.
Alexa, cue Lizzie McGuire's 'What Dreams are Made Of'.
With dissension in the ranks there's no doubt shit is about to go DOWN at the first commitment ceremony on Sunday. I'll be there watching with my KitKats in hand, because the blatant product placement this season is both baffling and effective - I've bought three in the last week.
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
