We're limping to the end of this season of Married at First Sight Australia, people. We can see the finish line. Some couples are holding each other up and dragging each other across it, but we're getting there.
Of course the crux of this point of every season is homestay week, where our couples get to see how their partner fits into their lives, aka not in the luxurious and low-stress surroundings of the pool and sauna at Skye Suites.
First we need to power through the Commitment Ceremony which is marked by a couple of shock exits from some fan fave couples: certified besties/sweeties (but seriously intimacy-lacking) Tristan and Cassandra, along with our OG horndogs-turned-enemies (ahh, a tale as old as time) Richard and Andrea.
Tristan and Cass give us one of the more emotional exits of all time, with lots of gassing each other up and emotional speeches about how much they love each other and "will cherish this journey with you until the end of time".
Honestly, it's gorgeous. And Tristan just seems stoked to be out of there and back to the safe arms of his number one woman: his mother. I'm thrilled for them.
As for Richard and Andrea… well the less that we say about that the better.
Andrea was all "he doesn't listen to me when I explain how I feel" and Richard was all "I have a big personality".
OK!
We also get to see John tear Jack a new one on the couch, which is always good stuff. He forces Jack to really get into the weeds with how he feels about his wife.
"Tori makes me feel good," Jack deadpans. "And you know I've been telling her - I've been sleeping really well, next to her."
Wow increased energy and better sleep. He truly makes Tori sound like a 2-for-1 deal on vitamins at a Chemist Warehouse.
To prove a point John makes Mel name some of the things that her husband would say about her, should he be questioned. She brags that her husband would call her his soulmate, says he says they have an everlasting connection and says he never needs to look for love now he's found her etc etc. Okay Mel, we get it - you have a hottie husband who's madly in love with you. Christ.
On to the homestays, where we learn that basically everyone on this show is from the Gold Coast. We are absolutely zipping around the country this week so bear with me. The transitions will NOT be smooth and that's a promise.
Firstly, we take a regrettable turn around Timothy's tiny Melbourne apartment, out of which he appeared to walk six weeks ago and didn't look back. He didn't even turn on the dishwasher, apparently. The big question is, who has been feeding his poor poodles? They've been surviving on scavenged goods like the plane crash victims on Lost.
He also inexplicably has an industrial sized photocopier - just in case the impulse takes him to do masses of black market photocopying, I guess.
Despite their progress the last few weeks, it's a bad homestay for our darling Lucinda and Timothy. If that smooch last week seemed like it was going to lead to a sexy homestay, we were sadly mistaken. We have a feeling Lucinda would rather sip a non-organic kombucha than climb into those "sticky" navy sheets. It's always the navy sheets, amirite ladies?
In fact, it's yet another situation where Timothy isn't comfortable.
"I need my space". "I feel flat". "The week is emotionally draining."
Okay, I'm a bit sick of this now Mr Misery Guts.
It's all very sad. The saddest part is that only one of these poodles is getting all the cuddles. Look at her smug face.
It all comes to a head when Timothy pops out for an hour for a beer leaving Lucinda alone in his apartment and doesn't come home til the early hours. Certified un-deece behaviour, to put it in Ridge's terms.
Instead of ripping him a new one, she solves it in a very Lucinda way and takes him to the forest to have a picnic seated on some very high stools.
But Timothy can't take another calm confrontation.
"It's too many words," he claims, storming off. As someone who is also currently battling a pretty gnarly hangover, I really get it.
Lucinda is just left there in the middle of the F**KING WOODS ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEE.
In her fluffy coat, she looks like a sad, gorgeous gorilla, alone in the jungle. It breaks my heart. And she's made to pack up the picnic? Pack up your hoops and get the hell out of Melbourne, Lucinda, you deserve better than this.
Back to the natural habitat of the MAFS couple – the Goldie – and after their fight last week, Jayden and Eden have come separately.
Jayden has inexplicably been waiting on the grass for his wife to get in and it's like, go inside? Go to a cafe? Go anywhere that's not a random berm?
Finally she arrives in a cab (a missed bit of advertising for major show sponsor Uber tbh) and I'll tell ya, what a moment in the sun for local radio show Moyra & Big Trev. Now that looks like the kind of chemistry in a match the experts would kill for. 100% GC-made baby.
It's not smooth sailing for Jayden and Eden this week, something he discusses with his brother MItch. Remember Mitch? The season 9 dropkick who ditched his wife at the altar and hooked up with another bride?
Exactly who you want in your corner. Perfect.
Between Moyra & Big Trev and all the shots of Jayden and Eden putting their cares aside to frolick on white sand beaches, this ep was actually one big ad for the Gold Coast. I'm packing my bikini and buying a multi park theme park pass immediately.
Across the country, Lauren is back! She's emerged from surgery looking extremely fresh. Like extremely. Did she get a little, ahem, extra zhooshing while under the knife?
Happily the blood clot surgery was a success.
"They sucked that f**ker out," she says, complete with slurping sound effect. It's like a bogan episode of Grey's Anatomy.
It's also a joy to see Loz happy as she preps for Jono's arrival. She puts together a little platter for her incoming husband, including some desperately suss looking salsa that is most definitely past its prime. That's why we love her.
She introduces Jono to both her teddy bear and her best friend (who honestly seems pretty blasted) and the couple spend a pretty uneventful homestay gallivanting around Perth, eating lobster, swimming and having, by all accounts, terrific sex. We love this for them. We hope it stays like this forever.
We know that it doesn't. But still. Let us imagine.
Back to the Goldie! This time we're accompanying Jack and Tori. It seems an odd place to pretend to live Jack, when it's clear you actually live on the actual surface of the sun. To celebrate he takes Tori out to lunch with his best friends. Sorry did I say friends? I mean clients.
I really didn't think I could find one person in the world who makes me root for Tori in a scenario. But Jack's friend Lizz (two zs, unironically). She might just achieve it.
She has a lot of concerns, the first of which being that they haven't had sex.
"We're building intimacy with our erotica," Jack says. Wow, with that, I join Tori and Jack as someone never having sex again.
I found myself actually fully backing Tori for approximately 30 seconds when Lizz shits on "anyone who makes their coffee order their personality".
Then Tori unironically calls herself a boss bitch, and I'm out again.
"I get the impression you're basic," Lizz adds, and sorry we can't all be unique GC girls with silver blonde hair and a 2016 cut-crease eye like you, darl.
Jack's 'friends' ask Tori if she has an issue with him having lots of girl mates, and Tori says - pretty reasonably - no, because she has a lot of male friends.
"I'm concerned by that," says Lizz, the one who just said that Jack has a lot of girl friends. "It's usually because they're sleeping with all the boys."
Ex. scuse. me?
Oh sorry, so when I said 2016, I meant 1956.
"Maybe we could all be friends at the end of this," beams Jack.
"This is like a mini-dinner party."
Yup, complete with being harassed about not having sex. It's just like being back at Skye Suites!
Speaking of seamless segues, we're back at Skye Suites and preparing for the next dinner party. If we needed any further proof Lauren and Jono have cemented their marriage as one of the strongest during homestays week, it's this shot of him fake tanning her back as she readies herself to return.
I mean that is love.
Oh! Tori and Jack are coming into the dinner party with BIG. NEWS.
They had sex!!!
This was discussed on the couch with a horror movie soundtrack in the beginning just like every woman dreams of.
"It was nice to do it on home soil, on the Gold Coast" says Jack.
Ah that's what his problem was the whole time in the Skye Suites. Not enough sand.
It's the talk of the cocktail party, given Jack texted Ridge about 14 seconds after the whole thing was done. Remember: these are grown, adult men.
"Oh we'll let him tell you about that. That's enough from me," says a coy Ridge.
"Jack and Tori had sex in the morning and Jack texted me straight away because we're boys like that," he adds, straight down the barrel of the camera.
Forgive me but I am a diehard Ridge apologist, everything he does cracks me up. He is severely deece in my eyes.
When Tori and Jack arrive it's the talk of the bloody town. They've done it! The big kahuna! Surely they're going to be in a sexy touchy love bubble?
"It was good," they say, smiling politely in answer to everyone's excited questions. "Yeah, it was good."
I've never seen anything less horny in my life.
More questions follow at the dinner party of course - surely this is a sign they are ready to truly be in each other's lives? Tori assures everyone she is "ready" and can feel herself "falling in love" with Jack.
Jack follows up with: "I'm having a good time, yeah I've got a lot of love for Tori."
I have a lot of love for the bakery next door to me, babes. That doesn't mean I want to spend the rest of my life with it. No offence to Wild Wheat.
In a scene of almost Hitchcockian-deja vu, the other brides - Tori's friends - try to get her to open her eyes one final time, which is kind of ironic given everyone has clearly had a fresh eye lift while at home - but we digress.
"Don't tell me how to feel," Tori screeches, as clearly all the emotional suffrage of the last few weeks causes her to finally snap. I'm surprised she doesn't glitch completely and stick a fork in her eye or something.
Then she puts the nail in the coffin: "There is nobody at this table I would want to spend time with after this experiment."
And just like that, a smiling Jack has ostracised his wife from everyone else in the experiment who cares about her. The narcissist has achieved his mission.
There's not much more to say on that, is there? There's actually not anything we can even joke about. We'll leave it to John at this week's commitment ceremony
Talking of which - the teaser for the upcoming episode shows we are finally FINALLY getting the cheating scandal I've been 'hinting' at for weeks. Thank God. I can't think of another way to hyperlink that sucker in.
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
