Pack your tiny thong bikinis, sarongs and what appears to be very little sunblock, we're off on retreat this week on Married at First Sight Australia!
Of course, just like any group trip with numerous couples, this week devolved into yelling, little breakoff groups, shit-talking and all the other stuff that is basically carte blanche for a group holiday. The trip may have made it out of the MAFS group chat, but will the MAFS group chat make it out of the trip? Well, that remains to be seen.
Before we go on holiday we have to quickly whizz through one of the more boring commitment ceremonies we've ever seen, one mainly based around the Tori/Jack/Timothy shit fight of the week before. Same old, same old, I'm genuinely getting bored of writing about it so I won't dwell.
I wouldn't even touch on the commitment ceremony at all, to be honest, if we hadn't bid farewell to everyone's favourite crooner Ben and his long suffering "lovely, lovely, lady" - Jono's words - Ellie.
Rumour on the street is Ben left to go be one of the backup singers in the Oscars performance of 'I'm Just Ken', but we can't confirm or deny that. Ellie got a round of applause for voting to leave and our fave expert Mel told her, beaming, "you won't be single for long".
Yeah, we've heard…
Okay, now can we go to Byron please?
No! You idiot. There's obviously more discord on the horizon and it's bad news for our beautiful boys Stephen and Michael. While off for a haircut , Stephen flirted with a hairdresser during his publicity shoot - and then to add insult to injury, continued to message him on the drive home.
Unsurprisingly Michael was pretty furious about this, but Stephen shows some absolutely incredible argument manipulation skills by turning the fact he has a spark with a hairdresser - and not his husband - into a terrible crisis they're facing together?
"It's saying something that I felt more in that 30 minute flirt than I have in two weeks with you!" he pleads with his husband. Sorry, but I would absolutely pass away. However, Stephen's beautiful face makes that a problem that garners sympathy and I guess that's pretty privilege for you.
"I had a 30 second conversation with someone and felt it was so much easier to get flirty with them than I did with you in two and a half weeks."
Oh my GOD Stephen - we think he gets it.
Michael walks out (fair enough!) and then Stephen pleads with him to stay so they can work on things, which makes absolutely no sense to anyone. In fact the only thing making sense is Michael's T-shirt which is stunning and perfect and I need one immediately.
In the spirit of it I made a meme.
I simply can't figure out why Stephen is so desperate to stay and work on things specifically for one more week… but In a totally unrelated move I'm sure, we're finally off on a luxury holiday to everyone's favourite sexy summer camp!
It's giving vibes of hit 2009 Vince Vaughan movie Couple's Retreat.
I was impressed by Skye Suites so this 16 bedroom Hinterland House (Hinterland House, Hinterland House, I'll say it 15 times if you give me a free stay there team) has absolutely sent me into orbit. The only bum note is the way these couples spend their days roasting in the sun by the pool.They are decidedly NOT slip slop slapping and wapping. Team, we're better than this in 2024! Thank god Natalie of the sun aversion fame left weeks ago - she would have burst into flames.
The retreat is transformative for Timothy in particular. On the first eve he summons girliepops Sara and Lauren for a huge bitch sesh about Jack and Tori. It's so girl-coded I just can't help but love it for him. I am a serial Timothy apologist and l want to be here sipping a bold red and talking shit with him! I can't deny it!
"If he's really into Tori, why in week one would Jack show me pictures of his ex and how hot she is?" Timothy drops with the barely concealed glee of someone with major goss.
Not to be outdone, Sara shares that Jack gave her butt a slap AND kissed her neck when greeting her at the last cocktail party.
F**k him up ladies, we ride at dawn.
But the transformative powers of the retreat become especially clear during a classic retreat games afternoon. Everyone sitting around chilling playing what I originally assumed was truth or dare (fun, sexy!) but soon becomes clear is a game where people ask for deep honest soul-bearing truths about themselves (dull, a hot zone for tears!) Jayden is asked what his biggest fear is, to which he responds, "losing my parents".
See what I mean about this being a risky game?
Of course this is exactly what Timothy has suffered, a fact darling Tristan is all too aware of with a little knee pat. Bless him.
It triggers an outpouring of emotion from Timothy on the couch with Lucinda (living out my personal fantasy of having Lucinda as my therapist) and eventually the impossible happens. Tin Man Timothy's stone heart cracks open and he goes outside for a beautiful cry.
It was so real, so raw that I also found myself having a wee cry. Watching this man bear his soul in an authentic way - and then watching all the fellas applaud him for it at boys' night, is something very important IMO.
"I know Lucinda doesn't think I'm weak because I show emotion. Lucinda's a rock," Timothy reflects.
Good God, this a bad week to watch while premenstrual. Pass me the tissues.
Timothy returns to his wife and the two share a beautiful intimacy-week worthy hug. Watching Tim thrive - and Lucinda thrive in her physical and spiritual home of Byron Bay - is a truly beautiful thing.
But don't get too cosy and comfortable thinking that this is going to be a nice time for all. Eden has a secret. Judging by the horror film soundtrack and shots of her in the house watching the group revel outside, I assume that she is the serial killer responsible for random disappearances throughout the season. Does she have Michael's original groom locked in a closet?
In the meantime the girls confront Tori about Jack's flirty behaviour. They are not holding back. Sara reveals that Jack told Tim he had the "hottest wife on the show", as well as the butt smacking and neck kissing antics. (Ew, ew, and ew).
When Tori asks Jack about it, it's genuinely heartbreaking to see how broken this girl is - despite her shitbag behaviour at the dinner party last week. In classic fashion, Jack provides an absolute masterclass in gaslighting and manipulation.
"If I did brush her ass, it was an absolute accident. I can't stand Sara, you know that." Ahh the old, 'I can't stand this woman so I definitely didn't assault her' play. A tale as old as time. Straight from the Trump handbook.
Tori says she's going to stick by him and continue to trust him, to which he gives her a little kiss as a treat. Like giving a dog reinforcement with a little chewy dragee.
But of course, the allegations against Jack are racking up - everyone has a repulsive story to share.
The next day everyone is gallivanting in the pool, including Lauren and Jono having some truly delightful swimming races. To this I say: FINALLY. I really feel that there's been far too much drama and not enough playing mermaids. I would have been happy to watch swimming races all episode to be honest - better for the cortisol levels.
But Timothy reveals to Sara and Lauren - I am loving this little squad of retreat gal pals BTW - that Jack made body shaming comments the day before when Tristan, Timothy and Luinda were lying by the pool.
"I see the whales are here today."
This man is a personal trainer. He firmly is cementing never having any business again and I for one couldn't be happier about that.
Back inside to Eden who is on the verge of a panic attack. She's spinning out so hard over this giant secret she knows that even I am beginning to feel nervous. In dribs and drabs it comes out: Sara texted Eden last weekend asking to borrow clothes for a dinner date - with an ex boyfriend who was in town. This is so far so bad - but it's the "ssh" emoji that really clinches the deal.
Eden "decides" (we suspect - is forced) to present this information at this week's dinner party, during a dramatic montage which is slightly marred by how cracked her phone screen is while doing her makeup. Someone get that girl a screen protector, I beg.
Nonethewiser, Sara and Tim pootle off to the dinner party with Sara absolutely DRIPPING in diamonds and Eden absolutely DRIPPING in anxious sweat, poor chicken. Sara is all smiles as she reflects that she and Tim's honesty has brought them closer during the retreat. Pop that quote on a list of things that are going to age like milk.
Before the main course is even served, Eden and Jayden whisk Sara and Tim to the couch for what I'm sure they thought was a suggestion of going on a couple's holiday to Port Douglas this year. No such luck Sara.
"I'm gonna give you the opportunity to tell Tim what you did last weekend, otherwise we will do it," Eden tells her.
If she wasn't such a nasty liar, you'd almost feel sorry for Sara for the fall she took tonight. But what goes up must come down baby. Sara initially admits that she "ran into" her ex while out with a group of friends… before finally admitting the truth: when he was in Sydney visiting from Perth, the pair met up for dinner.
We have to give credit to the producers here as they absolutely slayed the editing of this ep. A series of sepia-tinted flashbacks show Tim realising the reasons why A) Sara cancelled on his date and B) she didn't want him to go through her phone. It's genuinely beautiful filmmaking, we're sure M. Night Shyamalan will be calling any second.
It all descends into a screaming match with Sara on the defence accusing everyone else of being cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eaters, with Jayden leading the charge of the great crucifixion. He is acting pretty high and mighty for someone who admitted to the secrets he did mere weeks ago, it has to be said.
The week ends with Sara storming out - her second storm out of the season - and we're all beside ourselves waiting for her to get absolutely reemed in this week's commitment ceremony.
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
