We're halfway through this season of Married at First Sight Australia and the wheels have well and truly fallen off.
The chaos of this week was so intense that things that would normally have half a an ep dedicated - ie. one couple dropping out of the experiment all together - barely got a two minute mention! So what befell our lucky-slash-unlucky-in-love-couples this week?
As per usual, Sunday night's Commitment Ceremony is a palaver of dramatics and finger waggling from the three amigos John, Mel and Alessandra.
Shockingly, out of nowhere, it was the week of 'leaves' as the miserable word was written sadly on little boards not once but THRICE.
Ellie, Madeleine and Tristan (no!) all voted their time was up, giving their partners a week to turn it around. Maybe everyone was inspired by Ridge's killer "make a like a tree" joke from last week?
Of course the biggest reason we were all tuning in to this week's CC was the infamous "put a muzzle on your woman" comment from self-proclaimed alpha dog Jack. After staying virtually silent during the dinner party, surely Jonathan is going to apologise to his wife while in the hot seat!
Oh thank Christ he's apologising and - oh no, wait, to the wrong people.
"I apologise. I really love you guys, you're amazing," he says across the room to Jack and Tori. Apparently he felt responsible for them having a rough night. Um, what about your WIFE, Jonathan?
That sentiment is echoed by our daddy John Aiken. In fact, all the boys are given a serve by JA for staying silent during Jack's outburst.
The only person to comment now is Ben, who notes he couldn't hear the comment because of the decibel level it was at. That's podcast producer lingo, team; he'd personally be ramping that up the decibels in post production.
Surely Tori will be thinking twice about being so fiercely doormatted - I mean loyal - to her husband after he was dragged across the coals by all three experts? Oh, nope, they're getting matching tattoos.
"I just think it'll be a 'f**k you' to everyone," she smirks. That of course is the official second best reason to get a tattoo, closely behind sticking it to your dad when you're 15.
Following the commitment ceremony, Ben is failing to start making amends to Ellie as ordered by John and instead has... disappeared. Nobody knows where he is! First Michael's original groom, now Ben. Is there a serial killer prowling the halls of the Skye Suites?
Of course he shows up just as the poor camera operator is sitting down for a cuppa and a relax, leading to the most shaky Blair Witch Project-esque camerawork we've ever seen.
Ben says he needs to get a couple hours shut-eye before chatting (those commitment ceremonies look like they go into the early hours tbf) but it turns out he was just needing a little inspo for a MUSICAL NUMBER.
"I was not aware of my f**cked up behaviours," he croons, strumming his guitar. Catchy!
He sings this for Ellie who is shaking with what I assumed was laughter, but turned out to actually be emotionally touched tears. We had very different visceral reactions to that, but love is love I guess.
For the rest of our couples, it's family and friends week, meaning their loved ones are showing up to check on their progress. This is anxiety-inducing for both me (more names to remember goddamnit) and Tori, who has a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach about her best friend chatting to her husband. This is a sign that this marriage is perfect, of course.
Personally, I'm thrilled to see certified Real One Lea back on my screen - if you'll remember, she called Jack's bullshit from the moment she met him at the wedding. Lea and Tori squeal and embrace upon seeing each other - girlhood, baby - which causes Jack to weirdly start…crying?
"I feel emotional," he sobs, wiping away totally absent tears - ahh, straight from the Collins book of acting.
"He knows the right things to say," says Lea.
YES. YOU PICK IT GIRLFRIEND!
Lea was straight into him for his dinner party 'muzzle' comments and although Jack gave it absolute chops on his apology, Lea was not having it.
"Mate," Lea laughs. "It's wonderful that he apologised and I hope it was genuine but I highly doubt it."
I love this woman. Lea, you, me and a couple of proseccos ASAP darl, hit me up when you're next in Auckland.
For other couples it's a battle of dad supremacy. The fathers are the scene stealing kings on this week's episode, from Lucinda's dad in his orange three-piece suit, to Cassandra's gorgeous father Noddy coming to shake things up.
The visit appears to be just what Lucinda and Timothy need as their relationship is just getting rockier by the day. As Lucinda expresses how little she feels desired, assured or led (oh my!) her dad takes Timbo aside for a little chat.
"You need to not get ya tits in a tangle and pull ya finger out," he tells Timothy. Then he basically tells him to stop being such a p**sy and have sex with his daughter.
"Could be a one-night stand, could be anything. But just try it!"
Having a father ask a man to bonk their daughter is a new one for the books. Even the producers needed that clarified.
Luckily Timothy is so spiritually open and sexually available! But it got him laughing to be fair, and that's lovely to see. Or in Lucinda's words: "His whole energy field opened back up". Of course.
Similar questions were put to Tristan by Cassandra's dad Noddy when the three of them and Tristan's mother sat down for a few wines. Tristan says they're an "open book" so Noddy naturally dives in: "How's the sex life?"
Why are all the dads checking in on whether their daughters are getting bonked?
Tristan's mum is horrorstuck at the very thought. Or maybe it's the thought of ANYONE having sex with her son - you'll remember they were, erm, extremely close in the first episode.
RIP Freud. You would have loved this damn show, my man.
Oh no, despite the hit musical number, Ellie and Ben are in another bust up! Apparently Ben has penned a list of all the things he finds "disappointing" about Ellie and sat her down to read them in a near-three hour confrontation.
We don't get to see the exact list because the poor camera person, this time trying to get some shut eye, has been forced to sprint down the hall at the eleventh hour, only to be told smugly by Ben they're too late.
You know you came on a reality show, right Ben? That involved being filmed? This isn't a weird paparazzi style standoff.
So we're forced to use our imagination but it was probably something along the lines of:
"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair,
"I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
"I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
"I hate you so much it makes me sick,
"It even makes me rhyme."
Ok no, actually it's that she wears makeup, that she's 32 and that she's from the Gold Coast?? Does he hate theme parks or what???
These two are sleeping in separate suites and will be entering the dinner party separately tomorrow.
Sidebar: the dinner party lewks were truly out of control this week. Between Sara's strangely safety pinned boob number, Jayden's magician get up and Lucinda's iconic glove, cape and collar combo, it's more like the Met Gala than a nice dinner.
This dinner party, like all of them to be honest, was marked by a lot. of. yelling.
Timothy took umbrage with the fact that Jayden pulled Lucinda aside for a concerned chat about the progression of her marriage. Not so much because of his words, mind you, but because of his youthful age of 27.
"I don't want kids under 30 telling me about relationships or life."
Wow Timothy you're going to hate it when you find out about Forbes 30 Under 30.
"They're under 30 with an opinion. I just replaced my undies the other day because they were 24 years old."
Oh, that... is not the slay you think it is...
To be fair, Jayden claims his marriage to Eden is "perfect" and sure I love these two, but like let's not forget the whole 'having sex with your ex's best friend in front of her' thing. I'm all for moving onwards and upwards but it's been like two weeks since that discovery.
In her superhero cape, Lucinda jumps to Timothy's defence. Inspired by the thorns on her dress or her confessed lack of underwear, she's feeling very "passionate and fiery" tonight!
The fight unexpectedly escalates to a point where Timothy yells that Jayden is a grandstander, and tries to insult him by bringing up that he's a two-time world champion for kickboxing - which is honestly a pretty funny way to try to insult someone.
Maybe he's realised that, because he pounds the table in frustration and the real victim emerges: Lauren, when her shiraz goes f**king everywhere.
"Nobody spills my f**king wine," she screeches. Real talk.
Wait, I went to make a cup of tea, and suddenly Timothy is smiling and he and Lucinda are rock solid again? I have whiplash, I can't keep up these days.
Oh, here we go - Tori is suddenly furious.
"I could not stand by a man who displayed himself the way Timothy did today," she says.
Oh darling, the call is truly coming from inside the house.
She slams Timothy's "smug face" and suddenly it's a Timothy/Tori/Jack shitfight again. Ahh, just like old times (two weeks ago).
Cassandra accurately observes that A) Tori MIGHT be projecting and B) "that's just timothy's face". Then Tori goes f**kin' bananas.
"There's a food chain babe. Don't come for the top."
Wait... you think you're at the top, Tori? Ignorance is bliss, I guess.
If you were going to get fired up about anything this week, I would probably pick your misogynistic douchebag of a husband. But sure, Cassandra's calm observations seem as good a reason as any. Does this animosity perhaps come from Jack putting Cassandra in his top three during the hotness rating challenge a few weeks back?
We need Lucinda's dad to pop past the dinner party in his orange suit and tell everyone to chill out and have a one night stand.
Oh! And sixth-sense worthy medium Madeleine and Ash left the experiment amicably during the week. Sorry guys, I channelled the producers and completely forgot to mention it. See what I mean about the chaos?
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
