Another chaotic week on Married at First Sight Australia kicked off with the brides and grooms readying themselves for a new commitment ceremony. But before they get gussied up and off to the warehouse, Tori is still feeling the ick about Jack's 'whales' comment at the pool during retreat week.
"I don't like it," she tells her husband - which is honestly a hugely confrontational moment for her. It's funny that this incident has impacted her, but all the other shitty things her husband has done get excused.
Tori says she needs to see trust and respect going forward, and Jack says something along the lines of: "Hell yeah babe trust and respect are two out of three of my most important qualities". (Paraphrased).
He didn't actually clarify the third, but I’m guessing it’s being super ripped with zero body fat. Also the fact this Vaseline cocoa butter moisturiser has been left out like a piece of art was just particularly funny to me. Pride of place. No wonder he's so glazed.
On to the commitment ceremony!
It's a high stakes (read: very long) ceremony this week. We have to go through the whole episode before we get what we've tuned in for: Sara being put on the spot for meeting up with her ex boyfriend in secret, as revealed by Jayden and Eden at last week's dinner party.
After an HOUR, John summons them to the couch with a stern: "Well let's get straight into it shall we?"
We would like that very much John, thanks.
NB: Very brief sidebar: are these fringes coming back in fashion?? I suffered this the first time around in 2007. I don't know if I can do it again.
In classic Sara mode, she is STRONG on the defence this episode. As such, you might think she might have prepared her story a little better. She gets caught out in so many lies during her interrogation, it feels like the moment Chutney admits she wasn't in the shower after getting a perm in hit early-noughties flick Legally Blonde.
"We're just friends," Sara says firmly of her ex-boyfriend.
"Friends dont get naked and have sex," counters John.
He's got you there, babes.
As the experts and other couples grill her, Sara's robot self seems to glitch because she just repeats the same lines repeatedly; then she has the gall to admonish the experts when they request tells Tim how she's going to turn it around.
"You've put me on the spot," she tells them sternly, to a glowing reception.
Sara recites some absolutely emotionless lines about getting better at proving to Tim she wants to be there (and "getting better at hiding my texts next time" hangs in the air).
I think when everyone is physically cringing at the sight of you giving your partner a hug – a bit like watching a praying-mantis eat the head of the male off after sex – it's not the one, babes.
Wow, I guess I'm an expert. Strap me into body-con and put me on the couch baby.
A much sadder but still gnarly additional shock from the couch was our fave sweethearts Tristan and Cass. He told her he was falling in love with her this week – which gives her such a shock, she writes 'leave' on her little board.
A MAFS horror story in two parts!
This one cuts me deep - Tristan has finally gotten there emotionally, but he's shown Cass so little intimacy she's ready to tap out.
With a week to turn it around, they go home and reflect on the state of their union within the intimacy of the Skye Suites.
I honestly love Tristan’s dramatics this week. It's really reminding me of when I studied 19th century French cinema during my first year of university and decided to make it my whole personality for two months.
"Tristan and Cass' relationship is a very off page memoir about sadness right now," he says to the camera sitting sadly on the couch.
I mean have you heard anything more Tumblr worthy? I f**kin' love it. Inject it in my veins
No time to languish on a chaise lounge and shut out the world like a woman suffering a case of hysteria Tristan. It's bloody Feedback Week! This is basically an excuse for the other couples to take their shit-talking out from behind closed doors and give the other couples their two cents.
This week aways sounds very up my alley, as I love feedback, as long as it's purely complimentary. Just ask my editor every week as I turn another one of these in.
Also, Feedback Week really seems like an excuse for the experts to take a week off and hit Port Douglas for some R&R. They have like, three things to do a week, and they couldn't even be bothered with those this week?
In the spirit of the festivities, I have some feedback for Jayden: the hair and new moustache combo is not serving the porn star aesthetic you really think it is, my darling.
"I’m here to scoop your pool," he tells Eden sexily.
You might have gotten a little lost in the narrative, but we love commitment to the sexy role King!
I personally think it's giving this:
Oh, and in a surprise to nobody, Timothy Snr has some feedback (of course) for Jack.
"How many times have we got to call Jack a dickhead?" he asks the camera. "It’s getting a bit old hat" . You're telling me Timbo. I'm trying to find new ways to say it every f**kin' recap. Our story is an off page memoir about sadness, currently.
Down the hall, Tim (Jnr) is writing a letter to Sara so he can express his feelings clearly and concisely without getting browbeaten. Here he is writing things down to clear his head while looking like he's penning the next great rap album of our generation.
"There's two pages?" questions a bemused Sara on her arrival into the apartment. She obviously has places to be. Maybe her ex is in town and wants to get dinner.
"There's actually three," Tim confirms.
It's giving Ross and Rachel.
In contrast, Eden and Jayden are absolutely SLIVIN' this week now they don't have a giant show narrative arc-driving secret hanging over their heads. They even enjoy a picnic overlooking the Sydney Harbour Bridge with KFC and champagne. It's immaculate. Are you looking for a third team?
Actually, never mind. We all know how you feel about threes J-dog.
I jest, I jest, I actually love these two. That was particularly low-hanging fruit.
And I know I find a way to work that story in every reap, I just feel like we all moved on far too quickly.
In his own solo Skye Suite, Jono is enjoying a girlie night in, alone with a glass of vino and a movie. Excuse moi, what's happened here!!? We've bid farewell to our favourite funny girl Lauren?
Don't worry. She's actually flown back to Perth for emergency surgery for a blood clot (??!!!) leaving Jono to have some solo chill time. No wonder she is having health issues, it's probably caused by carrying the whole of this season on her back. Get better soon Loz, we need you!
It has to be said, Feedback Week proves the biggest joy for Lucinda and Timothy stans like myself. They are so fun and playful this week, it's truly fantastic to see. In the spirit of the week, they pose as the experts and pen their own little letter to Jack and Tori.
"WE ARE THE BULLSHIT INVESTIGATORS," Lucinda types. Hearing her turn 'bullshit' into a four syllable word is pure poetry.
In the letter they tell Tori :
"THE FIRST NIGHT AT BED WHEN YOU LEFT, RON MADE OUT WITH 2 GIRLS AND PUT HIS HEAD IN BETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESSES BREASTS. ALSO WAS GRINDING WITH MULTIPLE FAT WOMEN.
"WHEN YOU LEFT CRYING AT KLUTCH, RON WAS HOLDING HANDS AND DANCING WITH A FEMALE AND TOOK DOWN HER NUMBER.
"MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE KNOW, THEREFORE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH. USE THIS INFORMATION WISELY."
Okay, here is a reference for that gag for those less chronically online than myself.
The note actually was a request for Jack to get his ex-girlfriend on the phone – of the infamous 'still in a relationship' swirling rumours from earlier this season – for a three way conversation.
The letter also questioned why two such 'sexually charged' people still haven't done the deed.
It's the usual stuff but honestly no less relevant now than it was four weeks ago.
Lucinda and Timothy deliver the note by Mission: Impossible-ing their way down the hallway in a sequence that is honestly so joyful, I'm beaming from ear to ear.
Sadly, Tori does not feel the same. In fact she's livid – aka absolutely thrilled, as she always is when she can direct her constant hurt and agitation at anyone other than the man continually causing her emotional turmoil.
The letter is, of course, brought up at this week's dinner party - but despite everyone guessing it's written by Lucinda and Timothy during cocktail hour, they make everyone keep the revelation a secret until dinner. This is very smart. Lucinda revealed while she was here in NZ recently that the cast are not allowed to go home until there is some sort of dinner party shitfight. It'll be early nights for everyone this episode.
Lucinda and Timothy 'fess up to writing the note. Instead of laughing it off as they would if she was actually in a healthy relationship, Tori has an entirely healthy rant about how she and Jack are totes in love and nobody can touch them.
"If I felt like I was being played for a dickhead... trust me... I would have been gone weeks ago," she sternly tells the group with much Sheryl Sandberg-esque pausing between points.
I think that Tori believes that in talking... like this... with much downward inflection... means she sounds like a boss bitch... and is in control.
OK let me put it in terms you might understand Tori.
You.. are being... made to look... like a twat.
I hope that was helpful.
The most iconic moment at this dinner party is a little SMOOCH between Lucinda and Timothy – perhaps the result of all that covert operation adrenaline, horny Mr and Mrs Smith-style.
Tristan, like all of us, is paralytic with joy.
"That was hectic, '' he whispers down the table. It's delightful.
Finally Timothy is seeing what we all see - you'd be the luckiest gent in the world to be matched with Lucinda. Hopefully he expresses as much at this week's commitment ceremony!
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
