We made it fans! It's the final week of Married at First Sight Australia! The last one! I AM FREEEEEEE - oh wait.
The reunion episodes are still to come and let's be honest (because Jono sure as hell ain't), that's the only reason we're all still watching at this point.
Play on.
Well, still, it's almost time to pack up Skye Suites and get the heck out of the city and back to the spiritual home of the MAFS contestant - the Gold Coast, predominantly.
First we have to limp our way through the last Commitment Ceremony of the season - our final chance for three amigos John, Mel and Alessandra - to lounge comfortably on the couch and burn down everything our couples hold dear.
But wait, wait; Tori has "huge information" that she "has become privy to" which makes it feel like she's hacked the mainframe in Ocean's 11. As she sips tea in her stripped out Skye Suite, she says she has a "euphoric feeling" at the thought of ruining one couple's happiness. Just to, you know, fully cement her as truly one of this show's all-time worst.
This info is revealed at the extremely dramatic Commitment Ceremony which is otherwise pretty low key apart from our television mum and dad Timothy and Lucinda calling it quits, complete with a gorgeous, very Lucinda-esque poem.
But when Lauren and Jono take to the couch, we realise it's game time. The cheating bombshell we've all been waiting for since those Daily Mail photos hit our screens one February morning when we were all pretending to be working after the summer break.
Here's a poem of my own: When that drone soundtrack starts a hummin-, we know it's not good times a-coming.
"I've been made privy to some information that you, Jono, have been texting Ellie," Tori tells the group.
JONO. HAS. BEEN. TEXTING. ELLIE.
THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION.
It's an absolute blow to Lauren who is in shock and starts hammering Jono with questions about how he feels about the woman we all remember him calling "a lovely, lovely girl".
"How do you feel about Ellie?" she questions.
"We're just friends! She's funny!" he responds.
Oh babes. That is nooottt the right answer.
In the background Tori has a hand over her face, which is a face of fake devastation - interesting, given her clearly stated euphoria that morning?
As to be expected, it all blows up at the dinner party the following evening which is sad, but at least the GIRLS. ARE. SERVING.
Jono and Lauren arrive in separate cars, but not before we're forced to sit through the usual gratuitous shots of him ironing his shirt and getting dressed. Forget Ellie, I think the camera operator has the hots for Jono because he can never get dressed in peace.
Sadly for Jono, he is to find no peace at dinner either. He is in the firing line and you better your bottom dollar Tori and Jack are in front, metaphorical AK47s in hand. Arriving at the cocktail party, poor Loz is forced to tell the story of discovering ONE HUNDRED MESSAGES (!!!) between Jono and Ellie on his phone. And wowee: Lauren, Jack and Tori are all BFFs again as they tune in to listen.
That is testament to the power of tea. It brings enemies together. I truly believe most wars could be avoided if the two opposing world leaders had a third friend whose boyfriend was messaging other women.
The vibes between Jono and Lauren are so awkward at dinner it causes Mel to go full school teacher. Still, it didn't motivate her to write a word in one of these notebooks though.They are still fresh as the day is born, ready for the 2025 season.
Jono is full of half-arsed justifications and zero apologies, despite being reminded that he told one of the boys (ahh… the boys) he would rather be paired with Ellie.
"Did I say that?" he wonders out loud. This man suddenly can't retain a memory. He is a goldfish.
Thank God we have the other successful couples to see us through. Onwards and upwards - it's the final two episodes. That means its FINAL VOWS BABY.
First of all, can we give mad props to the set designer for these episodes? They had a million dollar budget and a dream. Every floral arrangement was larger than the last.
Let's break it down by couple.
Jade and Ridge
I’m sorry but I will die for these two. Before D-day (Deece day) they snuggle on the couch to watch their original vows: Jade is crying from happiness but it's weird they didn't show the part all Ridge's friends let out a chorus of 'deece' from the crowd? Was that not beautiful enough?
Talking of friends, before the wedding Ridge is home and straight on the 'spressy marts with a friend who has inexplicably gotten the exact same haircut in his absence. If we’re being honest, it’s not quite as effective on him.
Meanwhile Jade is at home while the camera operator weirdly hangs in the bedroom watching her fold her underwear? Sure.
Wedding day arrives and Jade is rocking a bridal French mani, so you know it's a formal occasion. Obvi producers have gone for the safest option first - these two are certified 4EVA.
Their vows take place in the most incredible scenic spot I've ever seen which really makes up for the terrible zoo location they suffered through originally.
Of course, editors have to give us a lil emotional trauma as a treat: In her vows, Jade admits she finds Reece's immaturity severely un-deece at times.
"I struggled to understand your childlike humour. I didn't know if I liked it."
Sorry but if someone said in their vows that they thought I wasn’t funny, I would throw myself into the Sydney harbour. Nevertheless, these two are a guaranteed lock, and agree to stay together forever and have a big pash in front of the ferry boats. Fantastic stuff.
Lauren and Jono
Welp, this one was never going to be good times aplenty. They both express their disappointment with the other and the sassy vocal fry is honestly insane. It's a good thing things have fallen apart because any children would speak at a register not listenable by the human ear.
After being a wet blanket all season, Jono is suddenly a sass queen who talks about Lauren like she's a horcrux (little Harry Potter reference for my fellow millennial MAFS fans).
"Being apart from Lauren for the last few days has been amazing. The further I get away from Lauren the better I feel."
On their wedding morning he wears all black to mourn the death of their relationship. I have to admit, even though he's annoying, he looks like a sexy hitman.
Meanwhile, Lauren is looking similarly flames in the most soft-porn bridal gown I've ever seen. They get into their respective black and white cars to travel to the vows and how's the bloody the bloody symbolism? If this was a year 10 English class we'd all be scribbling away.
Then they exchange vows 100km apart in the forest of broken dreams.
"You snatched my phone off me and pretended like the messages with Ellie were flirty, they were not," Jono tells his wife.
These are… vows? They sound like a subpoena.
Lauren cannot even get through her version of events without laughing because this whole thing is so ridiculous
"You taught me I should always trust my gut," she says before sashaying away, earrings bobbing spectacularly.
Meanwhile Jono walks off into the sunset behind the trees shedding his clothes. According to local folklore, he remains naked and hiding in those trees to this day, yelping that his texts to Ellie weren't even flirty.
Jack and Tori
As Jack and Tori part ways and prepare for their big day of reckoning, we're forced to relive the shitshow that has been their relationship for five very dull minutes. Before the vows, Jack meets up with his friend - sorry, of course I mean client - to down a couple of crisp OJs. If you didn't already have the ick from this man, watching him drink from a tiny straw will definitely do it.
On the wedding morning Tori is feeling confident - she's ready to marry her dream man with "gorgeous blue eyes, a perfect smile and a sense of calmness".
Here is this gorgeous man serving Bella from Twilight realness.
His vows are... not quite so straightforward
"As you are aware I have my flaws - I need to work more on my calves," he told his wife.
Okay, no he didn't say that. He said some drawn out stuff about poor decision making. Then he said "we're not in love, I'm sorry I've let you down" and the editors must have been having a BLAST with this edit, making us all think this poor woman would be free of the toxic puppet master.
But nah, it was all for drama. They walk off into the sunset as quickly as one can in such tight, tight pants.
Are you still reading at this point? Wow, fair play. You are a MAFS super fan you get 10 gold stars.
Continue.
Jayden and Eden
First of all, we're thrilled to see Eden is not forgetting her mermaid hair styler when packing up those Skye Suites. That woman can pull off a beachy wave like nobody's business.
It was always going to be smooth sailing for these two love birds wasn't it? No doubt in anyone's mind as they gather in their absurdly picturesque setting, which resembles a Disney fever dream.
Jayden tells his bride how much he can see her being a "great mother to all five of our children" and woooah, Nelly.
Then he said: "I vow to overcome all disagreements with love and patience and by rooting your best mate while you watch."
Okay, kidding about that last one.
Eden's vows are very sweet, describing the first time she saw her husband down the aisle she saw "big saw big broad shoulders and a man bun with a scrunchie" and honestly that causes the biggest laugh we've heard from Jayden all season.
I don't think searing wit is going to be what bonds these two - but we love them all the same.
Sara and Tim
Our final couple! From first to last. More symbolism.
We got to relive the wedding day - again I don't know why they didn't include the best man's speech where he compared oral sex to eating rancid chicken? Maybe in the director's cut.
But of course, it was never going to be smooth sailing after our earlier cheating scandal. The editors once again threw sanity to the wind with some unhinged sepia-tinted flashbacks that give the impression this man served in 'nam.
Come wedding day it's all up in the air - will he stay or will he go now? Sara arrives in a dress that defies physics and gushes in her vows that in Tim, she's found a best friend, a partner, and she's excited to see what their future holds.
"Naw, " Tim replies.
Perfect.
In Tim's vows he finally finds the spine Sara has been begging for all season.
"You wanted me to be assertive but I felt like I was walking on eggshells," he tells his bride. "I've felt defeated, betrayed, and disrespected".
Then he votes to stay and stick it out! Wowee. I really didn't see that one coming.
"That was beautiful," Sara sobs
Okaaay.
Ahh love. Who can predict its twists and turns in this crazy thing we call the rich tapestry of MAFS?
Stay tuned for the final, final reunion eps where we get to see if - shock - Jono and Ellie are together or not?? Place your bets!
Full episodes of the current season of MAFS AU are streaming on ThreeNow and airing on Three at 7pm Sunday-Wednesday.
