OPINION: I have actually pretty much blocked out how I felt when I started at 3 News back in 2011.
I've done that because I hated those early days. The few feelings I can bring up from buried deep within are ones of fear, embarrassment and generally freaking out.
I was a newspaper or "print" reporter. I had no TV skills whatsoever and felt massively out of place in front of a camera. I can physically feel my neck stiffening and my face going red with embarrassment as I think about it.
I felt awkward and I looked awkward being thrust onto a channel where icons like Mike McRoberts, Hilary Barry, Duncan Garner and John Campbell were being iconic and looking iconic. I was distinctly un-iconic, if there is such a word.
There was no training and I was in the 6pm bulletin in my first week. My first story was about ACC, and a couple of nights later came a live cross about a measles outbreak. I look at pictures of myself from those early days and I can see a Paddy in pain.
I hated it. I wanted to hide rather than go live. I wanted to quit.
There's no hiding on TV, it shows everything, and the audience were no doubt saying: "Who the f**k is this awkward f**king guy?"
But that's where the 3 News crew came in to save me. I received a lot of help. I would say that for at least a year, someone, somewhere had my back in some way - and I needed it.
That help would include putting my story together, giving advice on story structure, scripting for TV, getting things for me, make-up advice, style advice - you name it, I needed it. TV Paddy was a serious renovation job! But seriously, the people I worked with made me feel at home, like I was wanted, and there was no better feeling.
That help got me going and ever since I've never really stopped moving. Then I got to know the people who watched and it is the best feeling ever when someone stops you to say thanks and that they like watching you on TV. I'm talking to you, the audience. You make me feel at home, too.
It is amazing what you can achieve when you feel part of something. It's like I got a 3 News/Newshub superpower, I felt like anything was possible. I could list all the things I got to do - the stories I broke, the history I covered, the places I went - but there's no point. Long story short, I got to do a lot and I've had the most amazing life.
I don't block anything out anymore. I stopped that long ago. This job is fun, I love it, and the memories of working here light me up and warm my heart.
If I listed the amazing journalists I've worked with we would be here all day. And if I listed the behind-the-scenes people it would take a week. Again, long story short, I've worked with the most amazing people.
So 3 News/Newshub has become a home for me. I have gone from being scared to start at TV3 to being scared to leave. What does the world outside hold for me? Will I ever feel the same again? Where will I go if I can't go home?
Like any home, there have been times along the way when I may have got a bit too big for my boots and not really appreciated what this place has done for me.
But recently I've spent a lot of time reflecting on what this shutdown means to me.
I have been here 14-and-a-half years and before the shutdown I was looking forward to ticking off 15, because I thought it symbolised something. But dates and anniversaries don't mean anything and I'll never think about that again.
I won't think too much about the buildings and the business side of things and the bad stuff.
What I will always think about is the yarns I got to tell and the Kiwis I got to help.
But over and above everything, I will always remember the people that worked alongside me.
Because when I think about it, it doesn't matter if I was the scared newbie trying to survive, or the old dog fronting a show, there were always people helping me do it. From day one right through to the last day on July 5, there were amazing people helping me get through it. Thanks for saving me. Thanks for making me part of this.
And there were those amazing people watching too. You were also part of this, you also made me part of this, too.
I think it's easy for people to forget that they are amazing. And in the same way, people often don't realise or appreciate they are part of something amazing. So just to get it on the record: 3 News and Newshub were definitely amazing.
So that's the way I will deal with my personal pain when they flick the switch on Friday at 7pm.
I'll just remember the amazing people I worked with, and the amazing people who watched.
And I'll say: "That was F**king Newshub."
