For a long time, Cosmopolitan has aligned itself with being one of the sexier players in the women's lifestyle mag market. At age 11, I used to steal my sister's copy and read it in the bathroom - it was where I learnt much of my early impressions of sex.
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This is not good for a myriad of reasons - sexual expectations, future logistics, etc - but most of all because some of Cosmopolitan's sex tips are truly, truly insane.
We tapped into some of the worst food-based ones in this week's episode of Newshub podcast The Snack, including wearing a 'candy garter' (what), and putting a doughnut around your partner's penis.
But that's only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the dire Cosmo line up. Below is a list of some of the best advice they've given over the years:
1. Wear a wet T-shirt to bed
"An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping," said Nick, 30.
Excuse me? My mother never even let me go to bed with damp HAIR due to the risk of catching a cold, let alone a fully doused body. I don't understand the logistics - did she get into her jim-jams then get into the shower? Then come to bed? And your sheets will get all wet! Terrible.
2. Put on a weird accent
"Put on an accent. Try one out the next time you slip under the covers and see how long you can go (get it?) without breaking out of it. Bonus points if you can nail multiple British accents."
First of all, no I don't get it. Second of all, this sounds like a great way to verge on racially offensive. Thirdly, how am I nailing multiple British accents? Am I holding some sort of conversation with myself, like a Who's Line is It Anyway skit, while my partner watches on?
3. Watch his hands
"If he touches his belt, hangs his thumb off a front pocket, or even scratches himself down there, you may need to hose him down - he's subconciously trying to draw your attention to his assets."
Maybe that's what happened to the woman in tip one - someone saw her scratch her crotch and had to hose her down. And don't even get me started on this one - if he touches his belt, he definitely wants to bone you? Maybe he's just adjusting his pants Cosmo, did you ever think about that? Heaven knows how I've walked past a Hallenstein's without accosting anyone through all these years.
4. Use cutlery
"Press a fork (firmly, but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body: his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."
"Ma'am, this is a Wendy's."
5. Secret snapper
"Stop mid action and point out a camera you've set up in the corner."
I think this is the set up for all 'Fake Taxi' videos on Pornhub. But it's also also creepy, not to mention non-consensual.
Sarah Templeton and Monika Barton host a magazine-style podcast talking all things love, relationships, dating and of course, sex.
Subscribe to The Snack podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google, Omny, Stitcher and all major podcast apps.
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