When it comes to asexuality many people are unaware of what it means to be asexual.
In the simplest of terms, asexuality is when someone lacks or does not have a sexual attraction toward others.
Talking about sex and sexual attraction has always been represented in society either in movies, television shows or even just having a conversation with your friends at brunch on a Sunday about a random one-night stand.
However, when it comes to discussing people having little to no sexual attraction toward someone, people can often find it hard to comprehend.
Dave, who is a volunteer at The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) and is asexual, said they knew something was different about themselves from an early age but couldn't figure out why.
"When I was going into puberty a lot of my classmates would talk about who they thought was hot and who they were attracted to and I just couldn't relate to that," Dave told Newshub.
They hadn't heard of the term asexuality until they were randomly googling a character of a television show and they came across it.
"I actually discovered that I was asexual because I was reading a Wikipedia page of a fictional character and the Wikipedia page said: 'Some fans speculate that this character is asexual', and I clicked on the little link and I go 'oh that must be me!'"
Mental Health and Addiction Services (MASH) worker Mishaela Ellett, who is also asexual, had a very similar experience to Dave when she discovered she was asexual.
"I already had the realisation that I was different to friends and their interests in other people when I was probably around 12 or 13," she said.
"I just googled why would a person not feel X Y Z and asexuality was the first thing that popped up and that's when I started researching it and went oh yeah this is me."
Speaking to Dave and Ellett about their experiences discovering they were asexual also helped me clarify to myself that I was asexual and it felt as if a lightbulb had switched on in my brain.
Despite having had sex with quite a few men, although it was consensual, I was never eager to have intercourse with them and I never understood why.
When talking about it with my friends, I thought they also didn't actually enjoy having sex and felt the same way I did. When they said they actually did enjoy it, I did my own research about feeling a lack of sexual attraction for people and when asexuality came up and I realised that is how I identify.
Lack of representation
The representation or lack of representation around asexuality is very limited in the media which makes it hard for people outside of the ace community to understand what it actually means.
Dave told Newshub the fictional character they had looked up on Wikipedia was The Big Bang Theory's Sheldon Cooper, who was portrayed as the conventionally weird one in the show.
They said Cooper wasn't an accurate representation of what it means to be asexual.
"He's somebody I liked to point to when I say that we need better representation of what asexuality is," they told Newshub.
Ellett agreed and said asexual characters need to be shown in mainstream media.
"It would be nice to see openly asexual representation in things. We are starting to get representation of the more obvious sexualities like lesbian, gay, and bi," she said.
"We are slowly starting to get there but ace is being left in the dust a bit because it is such a sex-driven world."
In Netflix's Sex Education there is a character in the show called Florence who doesn't know what asexuality is but knows she doesn't want to have sex with anyone ever.
When the character says this in the show the idea of asexuality comes up and it makes Florence feel validated about how she thinks about having sex.
This is a step in the right direction toward a more accurate representation of asexuals but there is still a long way to go.
Evolution of Asexuality
As being asexual isn't widely represented in mainstream media, the research on why people are asexual is also very scarce.
When Newshub asked University of Canterbury anthropologist Zhifang Song about asexuality from an anthropological perspective, he said there hasn't been a lot of research done on it.
"This is a relatively new field that has gradually surfaced in the context of academic attention to LGBT community and LGBT rights," he said.
"As academic debates over our understanding of sex and gender proceed, it is natural for debates to move beyond the presence of sexual desire and to give attention to its opposite - the lack of sexual desire."
Song added the way we think about sex and what it means has changed in society throughout history.
"What was once socially and even legally in some countries defined as abnormal sexual behaviours is now socially and legally accepted in more and more societies. That means we now have quite different ideas about sex compared with ideas that people had only several decades ago," Song said.
"From an anthropological perspective, different cultures have different ideas about sex and gender. Thus, not only gender but sex is also socially and culturally constructed. All cultures have rules about sexual behaviours. Almost all cultures have incest taboos that regulate who you cannot have sex with but these rules vary from culture to culture."
Dave shared their experience of growing up in conservative Christian religion where although sex is a taboo topic, being asexual was frowned upon.
"It's very no sex before marriage but then if you do get married to somebody you're expected that you owe each other sex."
They said it was hard to understand why talking about sex was discouraged but not wanting to have sex in a marriage was also deemed wrong.
"Even in a space where sex is very taboo of a topic, you're still seen as broken and not right for a relationship if you're not attracted to people."
Relationships
For some people, sex can determine whether a relationship will last or not depending on how good or bad it is.
But for asexual people, it can be a lot harder going into a relationship because many in the ace community don't want sex at all.
Ellett went into her relationship with her now-husband not knowing she was asexual which made it difficult for them.
"Before I discovered or understood what it was, it did make it a struggle for my partner to understand why I didn't desire him in that way or actively pursue him in that way," she said.
"There were a lot of complicated feelings around that because I felt that I was missing something."
Ellett and her husband both thought they were flawed in some way because of it.
Before she realised she was asexual, Ellett thought because she had depression and anxiety that was the reason she didn't want to have sex.
When Ellett came to terms with the fact she was asexual she said it was a relief for her.
"It was a moment of a moving weight in a way because it made me understand I wasn't broken or flawed or weird, I was just asexual."
And after a lot of discussions and time to process Ellett being asexual, she and her husband have figured out how to make their relationship work.
"Now we are a lot better because we have a better understanding of why I am, why I am," she told Newshub.
Dave said they are also in a relationship and being asexual isn't a problem for their partner.
"At the moment I am in a relationship with someone who is not asexual but we are just very compatible people so it's not a problem or an issue, it's just that we like each other and we are happy together."
Before they were in a relationship when asked how they approach the subject of being asexual, Dave said it is better to be open and honest with people from the start.
"Whenever people have shown interest in me, I have always been very upfront like I am asexual this is a non-negotiable part if you wanted to date me which is how I prefer to conduct myself.
"I don't think people should feel forced to come out as asexual in relationships but I just want to immediately be on the same page with people," they said.
Advice for those questioning whether or not they are asexual
Coming to terms with your sexuality can be hard, especially when you know people will be quick to judge and question you on things.
Dave said when you're figuring out your sexual identity, it is important to not let people discourage you or use the classic "it might be a phase".
They said it is up to the individual how they want to identify not anyone else's.
"I think that if that label feels right to you in that moment. It doesn't matter whether ultimately you decide another label works better, it's all about what's going to support you and what's going to help you in that moment."
Dave also added many people think having sex is part of being human but that's not the case.
"Sex is not what makes us human, you're still an equally valid human without it," they said.
Ellett told Newshub it is important to figure out for yourself and not let others cloud your judgement.
"I would say just to not give up that if they feel uncertain but to also research and maybe see if they can maybe find someone within the asexuality community to talk to."
Although there aren't a lot of asexual-specific support networks in Aotearoa there are Facebook groups and organisations such as Rainbow Youth and OUTline which cover a broad range of LBGTQ+ identities.
Being asexual may be something people will always question about me but for myself, I am glad I can openly and proudly say I am asexual.
