For many of us, introducing our significant other to our friends can be a make-or-break moment in the relationship. Best-case scenario, everyone becomes BFFLs and merges into one big happy family a la Friends. Worst-case scenario - well, prepare for some very awkward dinners.
While it can be hurtful when friends don't see what you see in your S/O, it also begs the question: what if they're right? Most of us go into relationships wearing rose-tinted glasses, and we conveniently forget to take them off. As such, observations or even aspersions from those outside the love bubble can be very important - and may save you heartache down the line.
So what do you do when your loved ones don't like the one you love? If their concerns are causing you to second-guess if your S/O really is 'the one', a simple activity may serve as an all-important litmus test in the battle of head versus heart.
Known as the 'fire pit test', the purpose of the exercise is to shed light on whether or not your relationship has long-term potential. Speaking to The Project NZ, clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo explained that the test can reveal how you might truly perceive your partner - in your heart of hearts.
"The fire pit test is an idea that came from YouTube initially, and it got legs. The idea is if you are sitting around a bonfire with your best friends 10 years from now, will your current partner fit into that?" she said.
"Will they be relaxed with your friends, or will they be someone who makes you embarrassed? Anxious? Do you not want them there?
"The idea is if your partner is not the person you can see with you 10 years down the track, perhaps you should think about if you should be with them now."
In a nutshell, if you can't picture a partner seamlessly fitting in with your nearest and dearest in an intimate, cosy setting - think blankets, music, drinks and banter - in 10 years time, it could be an alarm bell: and one you should listen to.
In a piece for Medium last year, Nimmo elaborated: "How would your partner fit in? Could you relax with them there? Or would their presence embarrass you or turn you into a quivering ball of anxiety, hoping they'd 'gel' with your buddies - or at least not cause a scene."
According to Nimmo, there are several criteria you should also consider before giving your partner an automatic pass on the fire pit test, including:
- Your partner wants to meet your friends.
- Your partner shares your values
- Your partner manages their frustration - especially anger
- Your partner and your friends are chill around each other
- You can be yourself at joint gatherings
- You like your partner's friends.
"Because partnership, just like friendship, is not a one-way street. You might be gathered around the fire with your partner's friends one day. You might find yourself the subject of their fire pit test. How will that feel for you?" she said.
However, Nimmo stressed that while friends' opinions should be considered, they are not the be-all-and-end-all of your relationship. Sometimes jealousy and possessiveness could play a role, as could the overprotectiveness of your loved ones wanting to shield you from possible hurt.
"Our friends and family usually want the best for us and have the best intentions - but they can be overprotective, or thinking of us as the person we were 10 years ago," Nimmo told The Project.
"The research tells us that relationships have the best outcomes when friends and family do support the partnership, so it is important to listen to what they have to say while still living your own life and making your own choices.
"Whe ultimate scenario is to have your friends and your partner getting along well, you don't always get that."
Ultimately, your friends should want you to be happy - even if that means tolerating someone who is to everyone else, rather intolerable, at social gatherings.
And of course, there's a difference between not 'clicking' with someone, and there being actual concerns for someone's safety and wellbeing. If your friends have fears for your welfare, they are "duty-bound" to convey those fears, Nimmo said - and vice versa.
Watch the video above.
