Warning: This article and video contain sexual references that may not be appropriate for all audiences.
Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant - and die.
Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up... just don't do it, promise?
That iconic quote from Mean Girls' Coach Carr may still tickle your funny bone 20 years on, but it's also funny because, well, it's kind of true.
While sex ed has progressed in line with changing attitudes and perceptions towards sex and sexuality, the curriculum still likes to emphasise that sex is something to be feared. You'll get pregnant or an STI, but probably (definitely) not an orgasm.
Sex ed also tends to assume that once we hit 18, we're ready to go out into the big wide world as fully functioning human beings who know how to use condoms, know what fallopian tubes are - kind of - and know the symptoms of chlamydia. Great, that's everything you need to know about sex - be free and bonk away!
The reality is, people who have sex are constantly learning; sex ed doesn't - and shouldn't - stop when you leave school.
Out in the real world, away from penis models and scientific diagrams of vulvas, is where we really learn the ins and outs of sex and sexuality, whether that's with a partner, partners, or, you know, giving yourself a hand.
It's also not just horny, hormone-charged teenagers who need sex ed - even experienced, sexually active adults need said helping hand here and there. The spectrum of sex and sexuality is so vast, it's impossible to be an expert in everything; and when a butt plug is being brandished and you're not sure what to do with it, it can be hard (pardon the pun) to know where or who to turn to.
Enter Sex School: a new podcast aiming to be the new-and-improved sex ed for adults. But it's not just for oldies; teens and young people wanting more open, honest discourse around intercourse are more than welcome to join the ranks.
The six-episode series, which launched February 1, is the lovechild of Adult Toy Megastore and The Girls Uninterrupted podcast, presenting an unfiltered, unabashed look at sex and relationships. Unlike health class, Sex School is designed to be entertaining as well as educational, with a focus on sex that is both healthy and pleasurable.
So, who are the schoolteachers? Emma Hewitt - Adult Toy Megastore's sex educator - is the primary guide, alongside media personality and The Girls Uninterrupted host Brodie Kane and her co-hosts, Caitlin and Gracie.
To get the inside scoop, Newshub rode the bus to Sex School one Tuesday afternoon and had a chat with Brodie and Emma about the podcast, what we still need to learn about sex, and what their ideal sex ed curriculum would look like. It's time to hit the books.
Sex School Podcast: Q&A with Brodie Kane and Emma Hewitt
Newshub: What is the purpose of Sex School and what topics does it cover?
Emma: Brodie came up with the topic ideas for what each episode would be. The first episode is 'Welcome to Our Bodies', where we are just saying these are the parts of your body that can feel pleasure, these are the areas that can feel really good when they're stimulated. It was kind of to differentiate from what you learned in school, which is really just your reproductive stuff. The only piece of genitalia that really gets a look in is your penis or the vagina and nothing else - and those aren't the pleasure centres for a lot of people. We honed in more on the clitoris and the G-spot because, for people with a vulva, those are the areas that feel really, really good. Those are the places that you should be focusing in on the majority of the time.
Beyond that, we also talked about self-pleasure, because if you can learn to love yourself first, it can make all of your sex - whether it's alone or partnered - really amazing. We talked about partnered sex and pleasure and just relationships as well; how to talk to each other, how to improve your communication skills, and then of course, orgasms and sex toys.
Brodie: We are only just feeling comfortable to have some of these conversations. We as three women who host The Girls Uninterrupted are all in our 30s and we're still learning about our bodies. There's so many things to do with a woman's body that have been shied away from or taboo or 'yuck' or whatever. There are so many things we've not felt comfortable saying for so long because we've been made to feel uncomfortable. It's nice to sit around with wonderful women and talk about these things and learn.
Emma: We're trying to normalise these conversations... I feel like it helps people, like, 'Oh, that's the same as me', or, 'Maybe I'll give it a try.' Honestly, I can't imagine a single sexual experience that someone has had that hasn't also happened to someone else. I love that sense of normalcy and familiarity around these conversations... it's very entertaining.
Brodie: When I was in my 20s, we didn't talk about self-pleasure. We didn't talk about masturbating. We didn't talk about anything. Sometimes it does take one person, which there have been many, to kick the door down for us to feel safe and comfortable. We can feel like a community of women that can feel safe having these conversations.
Newshub: How do you ensure that you're reaching all demographics? That is quite a broad scope; you could be talking to an 18-year-old who's never had sex before, or a 35-year-old woman who is very sexually active.
B: When you look at the roles that myself, Caitlin and Gracie play within the podcast, we're three very different women. Gracie has a baby with number two on the way - I've definitely been single for longer than Caitlin. We've got different lives, and really different experiences. So, because you've got three women being open and honest, you're getting different pockets of information from all of them. I think there's something for everyone to relate to. I guess the nice thing is if you're a younger listener, you're kind of learning from your older sisters' mistakes. We didn't have podcasts back in my day; we had the Cosmopolitan or Dolly sealed sections.
E: I work in [sex ed] every single day and I still find out new things pretty much every week. Sexuality is so vast and there is just so much to learn. I'm just like, 'oh God, I don't even know everything'. I think there's room for everyone to be learning more or asking different questions or hearing different experiences, because that makes you consider things that maybe you wouldn't have considered before - and then you might hear Brodie talk about it and be like, 'That actually does sound quite good'. Hearing stories from people can open your mind to new experiences.
I work in [sex ed] every single day and I still find out new things pretty much every week.
Newshub: You never stop learning about sex, but what do you think are the main areas that 'experienced adults' continue to lack in?
E: I think a lot of it is still anatomy-based; for so many years, science just ignored female bodies. It was only last year that they discovered how many nerve endings are in the clitoris. I still feel like we're in the really early stages of learning about why pleasure feels good, the chemicals that are involved, all of those different things. There's so much more we're going to be learning about ourselves as the years go on. I'm not sure what sex it is like for younger people now, but no one's clitoris was mentioned [in sex ed]. All we talked about was the vagina and the penis. I think that's where a lot of problems [stem from], because people are like, 'Oh, I can't orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, I feel broken. What's wrong with me? That's what I've been told is what feels good for the majority of us'. Yeah, it might feel right, but it's not going to make you orgasm. I mean, a lot of it is just not having that full understanding of how to stimulate the body to feel good.
B: For so long the narrative has been, whether it's porn or general movies, what sex looks like; that being penetrative sex, or the man finishes and that's it. You also don't want a man feeling like he's a failure because he's having penetrative sex with a woman, then she doesn't orgasm. There are all these conversations; and we're still too scared to tell them [what works]. There's been a breakdown for so long in communication, I reckon. People are starting to feel more comfortable communicating about what feels good, what they like, what they don't like. I think that that's really important. That's something that I'd like to see continue to develop and evolve.
Newshub: If you could design New Zealand's next sex ed curriculum, what would you want the main points to look like?
E: Consent would definitely be up there. I think another thing is a focus on pleasure. We talk a lot about, 'If you have sex, you'll probably get pregnant and you'll get an STI'. But they never say, 'Why are people having so much sex?' We're having it because it feels good, and those conversations don't even get a look in. It is so heavily based on the reproductive side of things and the fear; 'don't do this because this is what will happen'. But they only ever talk about penis-in-vagina as sex - they don't even talk about the other options that may be safer in some instances. They don't teach anyone about using your hands or your mouth and, you know, dental dams and things like this. We only talk about condoms.
Then, of course, not everyone in those relationships is going to have a penis and a vagina. What about the LGBT community? What about the asexual community? You know, the different ways of being in relationships and having sex. I could go on for hours.
B: I feel like definitely a more inclusive space. Also, maybe not just teachers talking at students - then it's a space where students feel comfortable asking questions and discussing things, even if it's anonymous. It's so centred around rules: 'don't do this, don't do that, do this, do that'. That's not the right vibe of messaging. I wish the narrative wasn't just around, 'Don't get pregnant and don't get an STI', because the reality is that does happen - and that's human and that's okay. That's something that also creates a massive stigma.
E: Lube should also be in sex education because that is the thing that is going to stop condoms from tearing - lube was not in my in my sex ed. The lubricant amount on condoms is generally not enough to prevent the condom from tearing. If you read the small print, a lot of the condom manufacturers will tell you that. So, you do have to add lubricant. Then the fact that oil lube is becoming popular and that breaks down latex, so it's not safe to use with latex-based condoms. [They're] telling you to avoid getting pregnant and avoid getting STIs, but not the good ways of doing that. If I was teaching a class, the first thing I would say is, 'Lube is your friend'.
I wish the narrative wasn't just around, 'Don't get pregnant and don't get an STI', because the reality is that does happen - and that's okay.
Newshub: How can we continue to learn, develop and grow in sex and our sexual education? Aside from listening to your podcast, what would you recommend?
E: Be open to things. Talk to people more and if you hear someone talking about something and you want to know more about, ask questions. Explore and don't shy away from things. We can get an idea of what is 'normal sex' and what is 'weird sex', and I think it can be quite hard to get out of that pattern of thinking. There is so much to explore and so much pleasure and fun to be had - because sex should be fun. You're allowed to laugh [about it]; things can go badly, and you're allowed to giggle and stop when you want to.
B: You're never too old to learn something new about yourself. The best way to figure that out is to have a wee hunt around. Have fun.
E: Also, spicing up your daily life a little bit, you know? If you're feeling sexy and a bit cheeky, it can kind of boost your general mood, but it also makes you feel more excited and confident when it comes to sexual pleasure as well.
Running over six weeks, Sex School released its first episode on February 1, with a new episode dropping every week. It's available to listen to via The Girls Uninterrupted podcast on Spotify and Apple.
The responses have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
