As Finance Minister Grant Robertson prepares to announce the Government's annual budget on Thursday, The AM Show co-host Mark Richardson has been busy planning a budget of his own.
"I am going to be throwing around a lot of money," the sports reader warned on Thursday morning.
Richardson and his political leanings are no secret, the presenter often airing his highly critical observations of Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and the Labour Government. More recently, Richardson went as far to say he "could actually do a better job than this current lot" as New Zealand's leader.
Now, in a segment titled 'Mark's Money', 'Minister' Richardson has adopted the role of Grant Robertson to reveal his very own take on Budget 2020 - granted, in a very Mark Richardson way.
'Get rid of the predominance of useless twits'
First things first, Richardson's budget will see $600 million invested into a working group, consisting "mainly" of Richardson himself.
"In the spirit of the current Government, I'll be investing $600 million into a working group - consisting of mainly myself - to do a personnel audit on all ministries and Government agencies," he declared.
"To weed out and get rid of the predominance of useless twits who squander my tax money on a daily basis."
'You learn nothing at universities anyway'
For New Zealand's education sector, Richardson plans to redistribute the $300 million allocated for free first-year tertiary tuition in 2018.
"Now to the spend. Education - I'll be redistributing the $300 million for free first-year tertiary fees and reallocating that funding into compulsory military training first year out of school," he said.
"You learn nothing at universities anyway so I'd rather our youngsters learn some discipline and respect, sorely lacking in today's youth.
"I'm putting the 'BA' in Bachelor of Arts into the BA of the 'Better Attitude'."
'What industries always thrive in a Depression? The vices'
Richardson's annual budget will also loosen - as in "remove" - the rules and regulations around tobacco, alcohol and gambling to boost the current bleak economic outlook.
"Sport - I'm investing no new money in sport," he announced. Co-host Amanda Gillies murmurs "controversial" in the background.
"Instead I'll be loosening - as in removing - the rules around tobacco, booze and gambling sponsorship. What industries always thrive in a Depression? The vices - tobacco, booze and gambling. Show me the money."
But, 'we may have some health issues'
Now that we're all smoking and drinking, Richardson will be investing $5.5 billion into New Zealand's health by providing free entry for all into local marathons.
As an incentive, each participant will receive a $1000 cash prize upon finishing the marathon - but there's a catch.
"Here's the genius of it - you only get your $1000 if you cross the line under four hours. That way you have to exercise, you have to train for it, don't you?
"Before you say 'that's ridiculous', you need to understand that [the] cost of diabetes and mental health alone each year already runs into the billions, so this is actually cost-neutral," he explained.
'Produce synergistic outcomes'
NZ Police will receive an $8 million boost, a self-described "brilliant allocation" that will "produce synergistic outcomes", he says.
"That $8 million will be spent to boost each Green Party MP's salary by $1 million. I figure if the Green Party, of all parties, are able to help railroads rebuild that effectively turns New Zealand into a police state, then there is nothing this environmental-turned-social-justice-turned-outright-fascist-party could not achieve in law and order in this country."
The Finance Minister will deliver the Budget 2020 announcement at 2pm on Thursday.
