Warning: This story contains evidence from the trial which some readers may find extremely upsetting.
"I can't leave you behind" were the last words Lauren Dickason told her three little children before she killed them, a psychiatrist has told the court.
The murder-accused mum said she thought she was doing the right thing by taking her children away from a world she believed to be cruel.
A global expert in infanticide who interviewed Lauren took the stand on Thursday to explain to the jury the reasons behind why parents kill.
During the trial, the jury is expected to hear from five mental health experts who have personally assessed Lauren after she killed her children.
She is accused of murdering her little girls - 6-year-old Liané and 2-year-old twins Maya and Karla - at their Timaru home on September 16, 2021.
The children were found dead by their dad Graham Dickason after he returned home from a work function.
Lauren has admitted to killing her children by smothering them to death but pleaded not guilty to murder. Her defence is arguing insanity and infanticide - that she did not know what she was doing at the time of the killings.
However, the Crown alleges Lauren is guilty of murder, saying she was aware of her actions before, during and after the crime.
The trial continues for its ninth day at the High Court in Christchurch in front of a jury of eight women and four men.
'Vivid' images of killing her children plagued Lauren's mind - expert
Dr Susan Hatters-Friedman was the most recent expert to assess Lauren. She interviewed Lauren for a total of 10 hours over four sessions this year and had spoken with her family.
The global expert on infanticide took the stand in court on Thursday to give evidence on post-partum depression and then on her assessment of Lauren.
During the interviews, Lauren detailed her mental health, including a past family history of depression and suicide.
The pair discussed Lauren's trauma from her miscarriage and how she had to use donor eggs to conceive her three children - something she said she doesn't regret.
Lauren explained she never felt as though her children were not hers and did not think biology mattered.
Dr Hatters-Friedman also spoke to Lauren about the times she had "bold" and "vivid" visions about killing her children.
"She told me it felt like a devil on her shoulder," Dr Hatters-Friedman told the jury.
The first instant was in 2019 when she thought about putting a pillow over her children's heads for some "peace and quiet". These thoughts upset her so she told her husband Graham and went to see a psychiatrist the next day.
Everything began to go downhill after the South African riots in July 2021 when a wave of civil unrest sparked in the country after the imprisonment of a former president.
Lauren was fearful loiters would break into their home and would not send the children to school out of concern for their safety.
"She described that she went from being rational and able to cope from that day onwards to being totally exhausted, couldn't cry, couldn't communicate, couldn't eat, shaking the whole time," Dr Hatters-Friedman said.
One day the Dickasons' home lost power which propelled Lauren into a panic. So fearful the rioters would enter their home, Lauren asked Graham to sleep with a gun next to him.
"It was as if I were in a bathtub and the plug just pulled out, the holy spirit left me - was sucked out of me," Lauren told Dr Hatters-Friedman.
Around this time, Lauren reported that an image of the girls had flashed into her head of her putting the children in a bath, cutting their femoral arteries and then putting them into bed.
Lauren told Dr Hatters-Friedman this thought had "horrified" her and when she told Graham he was angry, telling her if anyone could hear her they would lock her up and would never see the girls again.
The entire night and the following day the images replayed in her head, she told Dr Hatters-Friedman.
"She said she tried to push them away into a box because they scared [her] so badly… This was the first time she ever had an image come up and [she said] it felt so real."
Lauren said Graham asked her if she wanted to go to a psychiatric hospital but she declined because it could ruin their chances of being accepted into New Zealand.
When the family were packing up their belongings to leave South Africa a "very real" image popped into Lauren's head. Graham and the children were playing in the garage and throwing around a package of zip ties that were being used to close their suitcases.
That afternoon Lauren went to play with the zip ties herself, forming a circle with them when a disturbing image came into her head that the ties could harm the children.
"She was shocked at that thought and put them away so she would not think about it," Dr Hatters-Friedman said.
But those images flashed back into her mind on the tragic day she killed her children.
'I can't leave you behind'
Lauren described Timaru as bleak.
The town was cold, the kids looked sad and people were ungroomed, Lauren recalled. She said New Zealand was notorious for bullying and compared the racism against Māori to racism in South Africa.
Lauren also recalled a '"scary" incident at the park where there was a teenage boy taking photos of the children. She thought: "What have we done, why did we come here."
The final straw was when Lauren received an email from immigration asking for more medical information about her mental health and Karla's cleft palate. Lauren told Dr Hatters-Friedman she knew if she saw a psychiatrist she wouldn't have a favourable report because she "felt so crazy".
The evening of the alleged murders Lauren felt hopeless.
"I just can't do this one more day, I just want this to end," she said.
When Graham left for his work function she said goodbye and got the kids ready for bed.
Her mind flashed back to the zip ties in South Africa.
Lauren told the psychiatrist she retrieved them and told the girls they were going to make necklaces.
"Mummy's very sick and is going to die. I can't leave you behind because I don't know who's going to look after you," Lauren then told her children.
One by one she then killed her little girls before attempting suicide.
Lauren said she thought she would wake up in heaven but instead, she woke in hell.
"I thought I got my family to safety and I was left behind," she thought.
"I wasn't supposed to live."
Lauren believed she was doing the right thing by killing her children.
"She felt love and fear and told her children she wanted to spare them from the horrible world," Dr Hatters-Friedman said.
If she was going to leave this world, she couldn't leave them behind, she said.
Suicidal mothers at risk of infanticide - expert
Dr Hatters-Friedman is a world-renowned forensic psychiatrist who works both academically and clinically, practising in hospitals, court clinics and community mental health centres. She specialises in maternal mental health and has done extensive work into why parents kill their children.
Postpartum depression is more common than many may think. One in seven mothers suffer from it and those with a history of depression are at a higher risk.
Women who have experienced severe depression at any time in their lives, including postpartum, may also develop associated psychotic symptoms over time, studies have shown.
"Not only is there [a] stigma associated with any illness but admitting that one is depressed during what is supposed to be the happiest time in a woman's life is often difficult to admit," Dr Hatters-Friedman told the court.
The court has heard throughout the trial how Lauren struggled with depression since she was a teenager which worsened after she suffered a miscarriage. Since her first formal psychiatric assessment in 2015 where she was diagnosed with "major depressive disorder with underlying anxiety" she had around 10 visits with a psychiatrist.
In the lead-up to immigrating to New Zealand, those closest to Lauren became worried, saying she became flat, communicated less, lost weight and was told she would spend days crying.
Dr Hatters-Friedman said having depression can increase the likelihood a parent will think about harming her child.
She referenced a study that found 41 percent of depressed mums admitted to having thoughts of harming children, for non-depressed mums the findings were much fewer at 6.5 percent.
Dr Hatters-Friedman then told the jury mothers who are at risk of suicide are also at risk of infanticide. She said they may hold the dramatic belief their infant is better of in heaven with their mother, rather than remaining alive and mother-less in what the depressed mum sees as a cruel world.
Dr Hatters-Friedman also told the jury of the reasons why parents kill their children, also known as filicide.
The first is known as 'fatal mistreatment' and is the most common type of filicide. Dr Hatters-Friedman explained it is when a parent kills the child through abuse or neglect - leaving the child home alone to die, for example.
Dr Hatters-Friedman said the second motive is the 'unwanted child', which is when a parent sees their child as hindering a goal they have and therefore kills them.
'Partner revenge' is the third motive that occurs when a child is killed out of revenge often in an acrimonious custody dispute, infidelity or relationship issues, Dr Hatters-Friendman said.
'Altruistic' motive is when the parent kills their child "out of love". It may be related to parental beliefs about rescuing a child from a fate worse than death. Dr Hatters-Friedman said there are cases of altruistic filicide when the parent intends to die but doesn't, as it is easier to kill a child than an adult.
Finally, 'acutely psychotic' is when a parent kills their child in the throes of psychosis, for example, they may hear the voice of god telling them to sacrifice their child.
The defence is arguing Lauren acted with an altruistic motive.
Where to find help and support:
- Shine (domestic violence) - 0508 744 633
- Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE)
- Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
- What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
- Lifeline - 0800 543 354
- Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
- Samaritans - 0800 726 666
- Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
- Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
