Warning: This story contains evidence from the trial which some readers may find extremely upsetting.
Lauren Dickason cried every single day for two months after losing their first baby who was born prematurely, a court has heard.
The father of the three children and Lauren's husband, Graham Dickason, said Lauren's "primary goal" was to have children, something the pair struggled with, trying numerous rounds of IVF over many years.
In the cross-examination of Graham on Wednesday, defence lawyer Anne Toohey laid bare Lauren's mental health struggle and the emotional and physical toll the couple's fertility journey had.
Lauren is accused of murdering their little girls - 6-year-old Liané and 2-year-old twins Maya and Karla - at their Timaru home on September 16, 2021.
The Crown is alleging Lauren is guilty of murder, saying she was aware of her actions before, during and after the crime. The defence is arguing insanity and infanticide.
The trial has continued for a third day at the High Court in Christchurch in front of a jury of eight women and four men.
New Zealand was an escape
The couple were both looking forward to a simpler life in New Zealand.
Graham was going to work as an orthopaedic surgeon and the girls were to attend a Christian school.
By the time the family left South Africa, Graham said Lauren's mood was flat.
He remembered on the plane ride over, Lauren said her bones were in pain sitting on the seats because she had become so thin. Lauren had lost a significant amount of weight due to stress, defence Lawyer Anne Toohey claimed.
During the family's stint in MIQ in Auckland, Graham said Lauren's mood was showing a "slight improvement" compared to the last couple of weeks in South Africa.
Lauren would spend time with children to play with arts and crafts or watch television during their stay.
"She was definitely interacting with them," Graham said.
But Graham became aware Lauren had reduced her phone contact with her friends and family.
After two weeks, the family arrived in Timaru in September.
"Comparing her to that really tough time in isolation in Africa she seemed better to me but she was not back to her old self, definitely not," Graham told the court.
He said she was functioning, doing tasks such as opening a bank account, doing the groceries and buying the girls' stationery.
However, defence lawyer Anne Toohey alleged Lauren would also spend time lying in bed staring at the ceiling.
Graham said the only time he recalled seeing her do that was on the day she allegedly killed their daughters.
Graham agreed with Toohey that Lauren was struggling to be excited about anything during their first week in Timaru.
On September 16, Lauren got home with the children at 3:30pm.
Graham was at home watching a video and after it ended the family went to the park.
Graham recalled watching Lauren standing at the steps of the slide while the girls played to make sure they didn't fall off it.
When the family got home the girls ate their dinner and Graham went off to a work function.
He came home later that night to an unimaginable scene - his three daughters dead, and wife critically injured.
Lauren struggles with COVID isolation, riots in South Africa
The court heard how Lauren struggled with her mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic.
During the pandemic in South Africa, there were a large number of deaths and various lockdowns and public restrictions.
A message sent by Lauren to a friend was read out to the court and said: "I am struggling with lockdown at the moment. It's affecting my depression and makes me a terrible mum and wife."
On the same day, she told another friend: "I lost it tonight and cried for a whole hour in the dark" and later that day she texted, "I almost called you because I was suicidal. Please don't tell Graham".
Graham told the court he did not recall Lauren speaking to him about feeling suicidal at this time.
Graham said he remembers she was not feeling well in March 2021. That same month Lauren stopped taking her antidepressants, Toohey alleged.
"My angel I am very aware that you feel this way. I am just very unsure how to help you with this. Actually, I am realising that I can't help you with it. You have to manage by yourself," a text from Graham in March 2021 said.
The text continued to say Graham was angry she feels this way but not angry at her.
"I am angry because this should be such a special time in your life but it feels [like] you are consumed by fatigue and frustration and the weight of the world."
Graham's critical skills visa for New Zealand was approved in July 2021.
The same month, riots broke out across South Africa sparked by the imprisonment of former President Jacob Zuma for contempt of court.
One of the couple's friends was almost kidnapped during this unrest and hit on the head with a gun, Toohey said.
Graham confirmed Lauren was fearful loiters would break into their home. He also confirmed she asked him to sleep with a firearm next to him.
Around this time was when Lauren made an unsettling revelation to Graham, telling him she imagined giving their children sleeping pills and cutting their femoral arteries.
"Firstly I was surprised by what she said. I would say I was concerned about what she said," Graham told the court on Wednesday.
"I wouldn't describe myself as angry as my primary response, I guess caught by surprise and concerned."
Graham said he didn't think she was capable of acting on these thoughts.
Lauren afraid of harming her children, texts reveal
Text conversations have revealed Lauren's frustrations with her children and, at times, she would talk about harming them.
Lauren was in a Whatsapp group called "The Good Mums".
Messages to her friend, who was also a mother, were read to the court on Wednesday.
"She makes me so angry that I am afraid one day I will smack her too hard," Lauren wrote.
"I give hidings but it doesn't always help… I didn't actually lose my temper which was a victory," the friend replied.
"Do not be ashamed. It is quite normal but stop before you kill her. You are welcome to share frustrations with me I will not judge," Lauren wrote back.
Graham told the court the couple too would occasionally vent to each other over their frustrations with their children.
In one of the text messages Graham sent to Lauren, he said "I am glad I stopped you from killing her last night".
Graham clarified in court the text was "definitely not literal".
However, in person, there was an instance where a tearful Lauren expressed concerns over a thought she had about the twins.
In May 2019, when the twins were about five months old, Lauren was helping their nanny settle down the twins and when Graham saw her after she was in tears.
He said Lauren told her she felt like she could do something to the babies.
"Lauren was crying, it was tearful and emotional," Graham told the court.
He called Lauren's mother over to comfort her.
"I didn't think they [the twins] were at risk, the reason for that being Lauren came to me with that feeling of anxiety," Graham told the court.
An appointment was made with a psychiatrist the couple knew to help Lauren with these thoughts she was having.
'Wonderful mother' concerned about the children's safety
Toohey described how Lauren took meticulous care of the three girls' needs, was very attentive and concerned about them all the time.
"She was always well prepared in terms of clothing, food, everything they might need," Graham told the court.
Graham said there was "no question" that Lauren loved her children and never abused them - up until the night of September 16, 2021.
On the night of the killings, Graham Dickason told a detective in Timaru that his wife wasn't a nurturing mother. But he told the court on Wednesday, he was confused on the night of the tragedy, and he was only talking about the stressful period the family went through leading up to their deaths.
He agreed with Lauren Dickason's lawyers that she was a "wonderful mother".
Toohey noted both parents would smack the children to discipline them, something common in South Africa. Graham agreed but said it was only on rare occasions.
The court heard how Lauren would make sure the children were safe with great detail.
She would always apply sunscreen to them, make sure the swimming pool was covered, the children had the safest car seats and would only allow certain people to drive them.
"She was very concerned for their safety in many situations," Graham said.
But hours after Graham found his three daughters dead in their home he told police Lauren was "not a nurturing mother".
On Wednesday, he clarified in court his state of mind during that statement.
"That was a very confusing moment in my life. I think at most, if I think back about making that statement, I was probably referring to most recent… not as a whole of our parenting together," he said.
In a text from April 2021, read out in court, Graham told Lauren, who was taking care of the sick children she is a "wonderful mother".
"Thank you for looking after the children so well, you are a wonderful mother… Thank you for everything you do, I appreciate it."
Fertility complications
During Toohey's cross-examination of Graham, he said after the couple got married, Lauren's "primary goal was to have children".
It took Lauren a gruelling 17 rounds of IVF, with one miscarriage, eventually using donor eggs to have their children, the court heard.
"If I think back of those years, there's definitely a sense of concern," Graham said.
"The reason I say that is the people I were friends with, we were of the age group when people started having their first children and there was a bit of concern when we started realising we were not able to conceive naturally."
After trying for four years to conceive, the pair finally feel pregnant in 2012 with their first daughter.
But on January 3, 2013, tragedy struck.
Toohey described Lauren going to the bathroom and passing out with a "blood bath" surrounding her on the floor. She had to deliver the baby 22 weeks early.
The baby, named Sarah, was born with a heartbeat but didn't survive. The pair were allowed to briefly hold her but the baby was then taken away, with the body not given back to the parents for a funeral, the court heard.
After the loss of Sarah, Lauren cried every single day for two months straight, Toohey said.
Graham agreed, stating it was a "difficult time".
This is a developing story - more to come.
Where to find help and support:
- Shine (domestic violence) - 0508 744 633
- Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE)
- Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
- What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
- Lifeline - 0800 543 354
- Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
- Samaritans - 0800 726 666
- Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
- Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
