Warning: This story contains content that is distressing.
Lauren Dickason's mother said "there were no winners" in the tragic case of her daughter, who was found guilty of murdering her three little girls in the small town of Timaru.
The high-profile case shocked the world - Lauren going against every motherly instinct and suffocating her children one by one before trying to take her own life.
The family had immigrated to New Zealand for a fresh start, to leave all the worries and strife in South Africa behind. But one week later, it all took a tragic turn for the family.
After a seemingly ordinary day, the unfathomable happened in the small south Canterbury town.
While it will never fully be known what compelled Lauren to act in such a violent manner, many details into what the killer mum was thinking before, during and after the act have been traversed over a harrowing month-long trial at the High Court in Christchurch.
'Happy', 'lovely' little girls
The case was centred around the tragic loss of three little girls - Liané, Karla and Maya.
It was evident through the trial the children were loved by their family, including Lauren.
She described Liané as a loveable girl, a dreamer who was always thinking of some weird and wonderful plan or experiment or magic potion.
A teacher at Timaru Christian School said despite being new, Liané was "very confident" and got involved in class.
The school's acting principal said all three children were "lovely" and "happy".
Karla was a little firecracker, Lauren said. While Maya was described as a happy-go-lucky fruitcake, who laughed and smiled at everybody.
Despite only being in Timaru for less than a week, the wee girls touched the lives of many.
A week after their deaths, hundreds turned up to a candlelight vigil in Timaru to honour Liané, Karla and Maya. At the same time, many more gathered back in South Africa to remember them.
Long mental health battle
Lauren had a long-standing history of depression dating back to when she was a teenager.
She had her first depressive episode when she was 15 years old and attending a boarding school in Pretoria, South Africa.
Lauren went on to become a doctor, completing her medical degree at the University of Cape Town in 2004 and then went on to complete rural hospital practice in Pretoria which was where she met her husband Graham Dickason in 2005. The couple married one year later.
In 2008, they began trying to have a baby.
Lauren's harrowing journey to becoming a mother was a focal point for the defence's case.
The court heard how Lauren tried so desperately hard to have her three children that she then took from this world.
Lauren's family said her primary goal in life was to have children and, when it became apparent she may not be able to achieve that, she fell into a depression. Lauren had endometriosis, a condition where tissue grows outside the uterus, and it became apparent in 2008 the couple needed medical help to conceive.
Not being able to conceive made Lauren feel like a failure, she later told a psychiatrist, a theme that stuck with her during motherhood.
She began self-prescribing antidepressants which is a legal and common practice for doctors In South Africa.
Over the next several years, Dickason went through a gruelling 16 cycles of IVF causing emotional and physical distress.
Her own mother, Wendy Fawkes, said she saw the excitement fizzle out of Dickason each time the IVF failed and soon she stopped telling her about the treatment out of fear it would fail once again.
After four years of trying to conceive, the couple finally fell pregnant in 2012 with their first daughter they planned to name Sarah.
But their excitement then turned to heartbreak after tragedy struck on January 3, 2013.
That day, Dickason went to the bathroom and passed out on the floor, and a "blood bath" formed around her. She then had to deliver her baby early.
Sarah was born with a heartbeat but didn't survive, dying at 18-20 week gestation - which was categorised as a miscarriage. The couple were allowed to briefly hold her but the baby was then taken away, and the body was not given back to the parents for a funeral.
Dickason cried every single day for two months straight after the loss of Sarah.
A close family member of the Dickasons told the court her joy levels never returned to the same level after her miscarriage.
Lauren was haunted by the miscarriage and, every time she walked past that bathroom, she was reminded of the harrowing moment she lost her first baby.
She didn't return to work after the miscarriage. Instead, she worked part-time as a surgeon assistant for Graham.
In 2014, Liané was conceived via a donor egg and was born in September of that year.
Lauren's spark returned as Liané gave her a sense of purpose, the close family member said. But below the surface, Lauren was finding motherhood overwhelming and she was crying a lot.
Lauren had her first formal psychiatrist assessment in 2015 which found she had "major depression disorder with underlying anxiety" and her depressed mood was part of a post-partum episode. It was the first of about 10 consultations Lauren would have with her doctor before the family left South Africa.
Some of the notes from her doctor consultations said Lauren reported having flashbacks of the loss of her baby, difficulty sleeping, crying, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, restlessness, detached feelings and intrusive thoughts.
Her mood eventually improved and her doctor noted Lauren said her current relationship with Liané was "excellent" and she felt her child "loves and respects her".
Lauren and Graham then welcomed the twins Karla and Maya in November 2018.
The news of the twins brought joy and nervousness to the couple. It was an anxious pregnancy for Lauren as they were told Karla had a cleft palate and had to have surgery after she was born.
She said her depression resurfaced after the twins were born.
Graham described Lauren as a "wonderful" mother.
He told the jury there was "no question" Lauren loved her children and, up until that tragic night, she never abused them.
During the trial, the court heard how Lauren would arrange incredible parties and take the children to Disney on Ice and the local caves.
She was meticulous and protective of her daughters. They had to have the best car seats and pool floaties, and she only allowed certain people to drive them.
But Lauren also found it hard to naturally bond with her children. She said never experienced this instantaneous love with her children.
"I think there was something wrong with me for not feeling that and I did the best that I could."
Thoughts to hurt children
What happened on the evening of September 16, 2021, was not the first time Lauren was overcome with horrifying thoughts of hurting her children.
There were three prior instances where Lauren imagined harming her children, the court heard.
The first instance was in May 2019. The family's night nanny came and Lauren was helping them settle down the twins.
Lauren walked back into the kitchen and where Graham was and he said she was crying.
She said she had thoughts about putting a pillow over her children's heads for some "peace and quiet".
"I thought about hurting them. I thought it would be nice to have them gone."
She went to see a psychiatrist the next day but, more than two years later, these thoughts came back - only more vivid, specific and gruesome.
The family decided they would move to New Zealand in 2019. They planned to move in August 2020 but immigration issues and COVID-19 caused delays.
In South Africa, there were strict lockdowns and restrictions put in place at the height of the pandemic.
Being stuck at home with the children seemed to worsen Lauren's depression. She would message friends that she was struggling, crying for hours, feeling suicidal and like a terrible mum and wife.
However, from the end of 2020 until June 2021, Lauren's mood improved to the point the Crown claims she experienced a remission sustained for at least two months.
Lauren was participating in a wellness programme and reported feeling the best she had in years.
Without consulting her doctor, she stopped taking her antidepressant medication in March 2021. She recommenced taking them in August 2021.
In July 2021, things took a turn for the worst for Lauren's mental health.
Riots had ignited in South Africa after the imprisonment of former President Jacob Zuma for contempt of court.
During the civil unrest, Lauren kept her children home from school and was fearful looters would break into their home. She asked Graham to sleep with a gun next to him.
"I was hysterical last night. When the power went off I said to Graham now they are going to attack the estate.
"I was in tears and shaking I was so scared," Lauren said in a message to a friend.
Around this time, more images of harming her children plagued Lauren's mind.
Images flashed in her head of sedating her children, putting them in the bath, cutting their femoral arteries, letting them bleed out and then putting them into bed.
These thoughts horrified Lauren. She confided in Graham, who Lauren claims acted angrily and told her to pull herself together.
He reportedly said if anyone heard what she was saying, they would lock her up.
"I was a lot taken aback by that comment, I was surprised by it - I didn't understand where it was coming from," Graham told the jury. "I don't know Lauren as a violent person - it was actually an absurd statement to make and, at that stage, my mind was not so much about her actually doing that [but] as to why she was saying it."
Graham said he put the comments down to Lauren's anxiety and tried to calm her down, urging her to take some anti-anxiety medication and run a hot bath while he tended to the children.
The next day, Lauren had foot surgery and hoped the anesthetic would help to reset her mind. But when she woke, the thoughts continued of her three girls lying dead in the bath.
Lauren told no one of these thoughts. She was scared if she did she would be taken to a psychiatric hospital and ruin the family's chances of immigrating to New Zealand.
The same month, Graham's essential skills work visa was approved.
Over the following months, Lauren searched on the internet for different methods to give children an overdose. These searches included "most effective overdose in children", "drugs to overdose kids", "carbon monoxide death" and "common culprits of medication overdose in children: what you need to know".
In August 2021, a couple of weeks before they departed for New Zealand, the family were packing up their belongings when Lauren's mind was consumed by another ideation.
Graham and the children were playing in the garage and throwing around a packet of cable ties that were being used to close their suitcases.
That afternoon, Lauren went to play with the zip ties herself - forming a circle with them - when a disturbing image came into her head the ties could harm the children. This eerily foreshadowed what was to come.
She was shocked at those thoughts and quickly put the ties away so she would not think about them.
By the time the family left South Africa, Lauren's mental health had deteriorated.
She was withdrawn and communicated less. In her text messaging to friends, she said she would spend her days crying.
Lauren's mum, Wendy Fawkes, told the jury she was worried about her daughter losing the physical and emotional support of her family after they moved. She said she had never seen Lauren in such a bad mental state as she was when the family left for New Zealand.
"Lauren became very quiet… She was very flat, she lost a huge amount of weight in the last few weeks.
"I was extremely worried about her before she left for New Zealand," Fawkes said.
The day before the Dickason family departed South Africa, Fawkes met with Graham and told him she was worried about Lauren. He told her if there was one more bump in the road he would stop the move.
When Fawkes said goodbye to the family, she didn't go inside the house. Lauren came out to hug her goodbye, she was frail and had lost a significant amount of weight.
The last glimpse Fawkes had of her grandchildren was watching them wave goodbye from the balcony.
Fawkes said she had no reason to worry about the children's safety.
"[Lauren] absolutely loved them."
Arriving in Timaru
New Zealand was meant to be an escape from the worries in South Africa and a new start for the Dickasons but from arrival, for Lauren, it was anything but.
The family arrived in the town on September 11, 2021, after a fortnight in managed isolation and quarantine.
Lauren described Timaru as a cold place where the people looked unkempt and old, while she thought the children appeared sad. She believed the rentals in the town were small, disgusting and creepy.
While doing the grocery shop at Timaru Pak'nSave she was horrified to see people shopping in their pyjamas and was struck by their mullets, bad teeth and tattoos.
Lauren reported thinking New Zealand was notorious for bullying and feared her children would be cyber-bullied when they were old enough to have a phone. She also compared racism in New Zealand towards Māori to racism in South Africa.
She was fixated on these aspects to the point, the defence experts said, they became fixed, false beliefs - delusions. They said Lauren's depression was causing her to view the world through a nihilistic lens.
Numerous people the family met during their short stay in Timaru took the stand during the trial. They all said how Lauren appeared stressed but put it down to moving countries.
They didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. They weren't worried.
The tragic day of September 16 started as an ordinary one for the Dickasons.
Graham went to work, the twins started their first day at preschool and Liané had her second at Timaru Christian School.
Lauren picked up the children and, when Graham got home, the family went on a trip to the Botanic Gardens.
Graham recalled watching Lauren standing at the steps of the slide while the girls played to make sure they didn't fall off it.
But Lauren had a darker recollection of the trip. After she killed her children, Lauren told police detectives and psychiatrists she was warned by a group of girls at the park that a teenage boy was taking photos of her children.
This led her to believe New Zealand was just as dangerous as South Africa.
What the final straw for Lauren was receiving an email from Immigration New Zealand requesting further medical information about Karla's cleft palate and her own mental health.
Lauren saw her chances at a visa slipping away. She said she knew if she saw a psychiatrist she wouldn't be able to hide she was "crazy".
When the family got home, the children had dinner and got ready for bed.
Graham left for a work function, kissing Lauren goodbye and patting her on the shoulder. It was the last time he saw his three little girls alive.
After he left the kids started with their usual hijinks, Lauren said. They were jumping on the bed, fighting with each other and not listening.
"Something just snapped," Lauren said.
No one could have predicted what happened next.
The murders
That fateful evening, the ideas Lauren had about killing her children were acted out in a brutal and callous way.
Feeling out of control and exhausted, Lauren walked down the hallway and saw her children's empty lunchboxes sitting on the kitchen bench and thought to herself she had no energy left to make their school lunches.
"I decided, 'I'm going to end everything.' I really wanted to die and take them with me. I didn't want to leave them without a mum."
Lauren recalled seeing the cable ties Graham had bought in the garage - the same cable ties purchased to protect the children from loose wires became the very thing that Lauren used to end their lives.
Lauren gathered the children in a bedroom so they could be together. She said they were going to make necklaces so, one by one, the children put the ties around their necks.
"Mummy's very sick and is going to die. I can't leave you behind because I don't know who's going to look after you," Lauren reported telling them.
Starting with Karla, Lauren pulled the ties tight. She told a detective she chose to do Karla first because she was being "really horrible" to her lately.
"I remember I was holding her and hugging her and telling her in my head this is for the best and the world is a horrible place. We don't need to be here anymore."
Lauren turned to Liané next, who fought back, and then finally Maya.
The children were still breathing, so Lauren then fetched a towel and smothered her daughters until they passed.
She then hugged her children's limp bodies, tucked them into bed and placed their teddies next to them.
Lauren then attempted suicide.
"It was meant to be a happy ending for everyone but it's not a happy ending," she said.
Later that night, Graham arrived home to an unimaginable scene - his three children dead and his wife in a catatonic state.
Graham unlocked the door of their home, took his shoes off and walked into the living room.
He saw Lauren standing in the kitchen. She looked strange and wobbly like she wanted to fall over, he said.
"I asked her, 'What's the matter?' And she told me, 'It's too late'…. I asked, 'Too late for what?'"
Graham then realised something was terribly wrong.
He went to Liané's room and found her lying in bed covered with a blanket. Graham removed the blankets which revealed his daughter lying there lifeless, pale and with a cable tie around her neck.
He then ran to the twins' room and found them in the same state.
"I ran back and asked her what she's done," Graham said. "I grabbed a scissor, I ran to Liané's room and cut the cable tie, ran to the twins, cut the cable ties. I didn't see any sign of life.
"I got Liane onto the floor, I couldn’t see any sign of breathing, any heartbeat."
Graham then held her in his arms and went back to the twins' bedroom.
He called his work colleague, Mark Cvitanich, who had only been home for a handful of minutes. He could never have predicted what came next.
"I think she killed my kids, I think they're dead," Graham cried over the phone.
Mark and his wife Cathy rushed over to the Dickasons' home. Upon arrival, they found Graham outside with his coat over his head howling.
"He was crying and saying, 'My babies.' He was really crying," Cathy said.
She held Graham while he cried and said she could feel him shaking.
Mark called emergency services and two police officers arrived at the scene. One of the officers checked the children for signs of life, while the other attended to Lauren.
They found Lauren lying sideways across the end of the bed in a separate room from the children. She appeared to be either sleeping or passed out.
Lauren tried to talk but her words were coming out mumbled. She struggled to keep her eyes open and, at times, would try and sit up but fall back down onto the bed.
The paramedics arrived shortly after and took her to Timaru Hospital. They said she was in a "catatonic state" when they found her, which means someone is awake but does not seem to respond to other people and their environment.
"When she opened her eyes she looked vacant."
Lauren said her next memory after attempted suicide was waking up in the hospital.
She thought she would wake up in heaven but, instead, she woke in hell.
"I thought I got my family to safety and I was left behind," she said. "I wasn't supposed to live."
Experts clash
Lauren was admitted to a psychiatric ward at Hillmorton Hospital in Christchurch after the murders.
She was awaiting trial where she was accused of murdering each of her children. Lauren's defence was arguing insanity and infanticide - that she did not know her actions were morally wrong and that her mind was disturbed by the effect of childbirth to such an extent that she should not be held fully responsible.
During her time at hospital, she spent 53 hours being interviewed by forensic psychiatrists and psychologists who were preparing reports for the court.
Three of these experts claimed Lauren was severely mentally unwell when she killed her children and had a defence of infanticide and insanity. The other two said she did not.
Susan Hatters-Friedman, Justin Barry-Walsh and Ghazi Metoui gave evidence for the defence.
They believed Lauren had an altruistic motive for killing her children which is when the parent kills their child "out of love". The motive may also be related to parental beliefs about rescuing a child from a fate worse than death.
The defence experts told the court Lauren's joint filicide suicide was because she, in her severely depressed mind, believed in killing her children she would save them from a world she deemed as cruel and they would go to heaven together.
Not wanting to leave the children behind, fear of their suffering, not wanting to leave them without a mum, loving them too much and not wanting to burden Graham were all explanations given by Lauren as to why she killed her children.
The defence experts also claimed Lauren did not believe killing her children was morally wrong, which would mean she was insane at the time.
One expert said Lauren still believed killing her children was the right thing to do until about a week after their deaths.
Dr Barry-Walsh said Lauren began feeling "terrible guilt" weeks after she was sent to Hillmorton Hospital's psychiatric ward.
"[Lauren] would do anything to change what happened but she still sometimes feels like she did the right thing," he said.
Erik Monasterio and Simone McLeavey believed Lauren was a murderer.
Dr Monasterio told the court Lauren gave no indication she killed her children to spare them from suffering until he interviewed her six months after his first interview. He believed the idea of an altruistic movie was put in Lauren's head by her medical team as a way to help her cope with what she had done.
He also believed Lauren was not severely depressed because she was engaging in simple tasks right up until the murders, such as doing the shopping and navigating the complexities of immigration.
Dr McLeavey believed Lauren killed her children out of anger and control. She told the court the killings were a manifestation of control of not wanting another woman to parent her children if she died and Graham ever remarried.
The key part of the Crown expert's argument against infanticide was that, in their opinion, Lauren had experienced a sustained remission from her depression in the first half of 2021.
Therefore, they said the mood disorder she was experiencing during the murders could not be linked to postpartum depression.
Verdict day
On August 16, 2023, Lauren stood in the dock after four weeks of listening to how she killed her children.
She was dressed in a green jumper and wore a little bit of makeup. Her brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail, the very ends of her hair still dyed blonde, reminiscent of Lauren before the killings.
The jury of eight women and four men had a gruelling task of listening to four weeks of harrowing evidence into the deaths of three young children.
They then had to decide Lauren's fate: whether she was guilty of murder, infanticide, or was insane at the time of the killings.
After 15 hours of deliberations, the jury, unable to reach a unanimous decision, gave a majority verdict.
One by one the verdicts for the three charges were delivered by the jury: guilty of murdering Liané, guilty of murdering Karla and guilty of murdering Maya.
Justice Cameron Mander commended the jury for their contribution.
"You've had to deal with distressing evidence, this trial has likely taken a toll on you personally. You have made a considerable sacrifice," he said.
As the jury was led out of the courtroom, they could be heard sobbing.
Lauren didn't show emotion while the verdicts were being read until she turned around to be taken to the holding cells. After she returned to hear her next steps, it was apparent she had been crying.
Her lawyers were in shock as "guilty" rung through the courtroom - becoming overwhelmed with emotion at the end of the hearing.
Lauren now faces a life sentence for the murder of each child.
She has been remanded to a mental hospital until her sentencing.
Every day, Lauren's parents came to the trial. On behalf of the family, they released a statement to the media after the verdict.
"Post-partum depression is a terrible thing, as has been shown by what happened to our family on 16 September 2021," it read.
"This was not our daughter, but a debilitating mental illness which resulted in an awful tragedy, the details of which you are by now well aware."
They said Lianè, Karla and Maya were taken from this life to another as a result of this crippling disease. The family wanted to encourage others to be aware of the symptoms of post-partum depression as the person experiencing depression and those around them may not be able to recognise the signs.
"There are no winners in this tragedy."
Where to find help and support:
- Shine (domestic violence) - 0508 744 633
- Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE)
- Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
- What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
- Lifeline - 0800 543 354
- Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
- Samaritans - 0800 726 666
- Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
- Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
