Black Ferns hooker Te Kura Ngata-Aerengamate says she suffered a mental breakdown on the recent tour of England and France.
The 20-test veteran started two tests and came off the bench once, as New Zealand lost four straight tests for the first time against the two European heavyweights.
In a social media post, Ngata-Aerengamate reveals she suffers from anxiety and hyperventilation, which came to a head during the northern tour.
She says constant battering from past and present coaches left her battling with confidence and questioning her position in the side.
"Never would I have ever thought that I would become mentally ill in a sport that I loved so much," she writes. "Over the past eight years that I have been in the Black Ferns, I have struggled mentally and finally let it all out on the most recent tour.
"Yes, I had a mental breakdown in front of everyone."
Ngata-Aerengamate lists several comments made by the "head coach" that contributed to her ailing mental health.
- she had been selected, but didn't deserve to be in the team
- he was embarrassed for her
- he couldn't tell her worth in the Black Ferns
- what would my students think of me?
- she was sworn at for wearing her jacket around her hips, yelled at running to rucks, how she ran the ball, anything she did she felt she was doing wrong
- she was picked only to play the guitar
A veteran of 10 tests for the Black Ferns, Ngata-Aerengamate says she ended up going "crazy" and had to complete anger management, when she discovered she had suffered from anxiety and hyperventilation.
"[I] would hear these comments in my mind as I threw the ball. My confidence and self-esteem was so low that it made me play like I was walking on eggshells, and was constantly too scared to express myself.
"I invited self-doubt and insecurities, some being unbearable to look myself in the mirror.
"I let the words over the years get to me, the words became the flesh."
Ngata-Aerengamate says she has a message for others struggling with mental health.
"Lesson is never let anyone dim your light, be proud of who you are. If you are treated unfairly, hit them up unapologetically, because at the end of the day, it's your mana on the line.
"I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm still a person and at the very least deserve to be treated with respect. Now I'm on a journey of healing.
"Stand up, speak up. Know your worth."
Ngata-Aerengamate is fluent in te reo Māori and a school teacher at Kaitaia College in Northland.
In response, NZ Rugby professional rugby head Chris Lendrum says Ngata-Aerengamate's comments are "distressing".
"You never like to hear any human describe their situation the way Te Kura has and we really feel for her," he says. "Our first priority is to make sure she is okay.
"We take any issues raised like this very seriously. We have a review under way into the Black Ferns' 2021 and their northern tour, and this issue will be looked at as a big part of that review."
Where to find help and support:
- Shine (domestic violence) - 0508 744 633
- Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE)
- Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
- What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
- Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland
- Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
- Samaritans - 0800 726 666
- Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
- Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
