Warning: This article discusses suicide
As he sits down in a seat on the edge of the boards of the velodrome in Cambridge, Sam Dakin groans.
"Finally. A seat."
He puts one foot on the opposite knee, and laughs, almost as if taking offence to suggestions that his black, slipper looking shoes are, at best, questionable.
"Bro. These are cool," he sternly, albeit through a laugh, told Newshub.
"I'm not sure if the camera can pick them up, but I'm gonna be dancing in these all the way down the Champs-Élysées."
Regardless of how cool Dakin may think his shoes are, they're not the reason he's grinning.
It's Olympic squad naming day for Cycling New Zealand, and confirmation that the 27-year-old is heading to Paris.
As the country's leading male sprinter, Dakin, unsurprisingly has been named, and has just spent the last five minutes celebrating and posing for photos with his family.
For him, that is what it's all about.
"I don't know if I'll go to a third Olympics. I didn't know if I'd go to two. So each moment could be the last time you perform on the world stage.
"We all know how fickle sport is and how hard it is to perform. So, yeah, I really do focus on soaking up every moment. And I think the way to do that is just to be present, not think about what's here, to what's behind us, about where you are now."
Dakin can't help but consider how much more enjoyable these Olympics will be compared to his first. No longer confined to bubbles like in Tokyo, as Dakin puts it, while he can't guarantee results, he can guarantee his family will be there.
That's what drives him and has driven him to a place where he can proudly say he's "never been better."
"I've never been happier. I'm genuinely living my absolute dream every day."
But he knows how far of a cry that is, from how dark he got.
When asked how bad it got mentally for him, Dakin pauses and exhales, closes his eyes and shakes his head.
"Really bad, bro.
"If I'm brutally honest, I was never suicidal, but I got close to knowing what that might feel like. And I understood what people go through and had a real sense for that."
Dakin believes the tipping point came a few years ago, when he was with a couple of mates, one of them being fellow cyclist, Callum Saunders.
"It was just too much, and I just cried in the car for half an hour, literally on their shoulders. And what I'm most grateful for is that I've always had friends where that was normal. That was okay to have those conversations.
"I've always been a talker. I think that was my saving grace.
"And I speak about this openly because I'm in a place where I can now. And I think it will help others. I think it will save other people."
Dakin labels it a gift, and crucial as to why he's now heading to his second Games.
It's through talking that Dakin has helped lead the programme through a significant change.
Following the 2022 Heron review into, and subsequent reset of the high performance programme, LA, rather than Paris, was penciled in.
They've now taken out the pen and proven that's not the case.
"I feel like Cycling New Zealand copped so much flack. And this organisation has turned themselves around like nothing I've ever seen. The staff, the board, the way they've restructured, the way they've implemented, the way we're doing performance now is better and different."
Selected for Tokyo after the retirement of Eddie Dawkins, he linked up with long-time mentors Sam Webster and Ethan Mitchell.
But fast-forward to 2024, and he's gone from the youngster of the men's sprint programme, to now being the only one there.
He can at least laugh about the rapid change.
"When I moved here in 2015, I wasn't in the programme, but there was 12-14 men. And now there's me.
"Maybe everyone's too sick of me. But it's always kind of felt that there's this peacefulness in the solitude of being by yourself."
Dakin can see the almost full-circle sense of it. The return of Jon Andrews as senior sprint coach, the same man who was in charge when he first moved from Auckland, he describes as "almost like a movie".
Andrews isn't the only reason he won't be alone. The women's sprint programme speaks highly of their relationship with Dakin, while on a more personal note, his partner, and endurance rider, Nicole Shields, who's had her own struggles along the way, is also heading to Paris.
Dakin knows how his own journey, has helped her, others, and most importantly, himself.
"I'm here now because of where I was. The battles I went through. I have that comparison. And it doesn't mean I don't have my bad days. Sometimes I'm over it. Sometimes I want to cry. But you let them happen.
"We talk about just sitting with it. Don't fight how you're feeling."
That feeling could soon be utter euphoria, should Sam Dakin win Olympic gold.
He may need some dancing shoes to celebrate.
Where to find help and support:
- Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737
- What's Up - 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)
- Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland
- Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat
- Samaritans - 0800 726 666
- Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757
- Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Shakti Community Council - 0800 742 584
